We see your future...

In today's Squeak, we begin a new column:
Future Shocker--Fortuneteller. . .

Dear Future Shocker:

I've been carrying on a relationship with "Saul" for a few months now. At first, he courted me with libel suits and restraining orders, but now he hardly ever calls or writes. . .

I've been trying to catch his eye again by writing to his colleagues, and calling various lawyers in his neighborhood. (After all, persistence is tres sexy, n'est-ce pas? :-)) So far, though, everyone is IGNORING me! I'm INFURIATED!

If only I could get a few things from him--bling, dinner, and conversation--I'd be a happy peep. Is that too much to ask?! What can I do?! --TehBee, YouJean.

Dear TehB: As I held your letter, its vibrations were overpowering (...so was its stench, but we won't go there).

Not to worry--all of your wishes will soon be coming TRUE!

Bling? What lady wouldn't want a little shiny on her extremities? In your case, I see quite a heavy bauble! Helpful hint: practice shuffling.

Dinner? Oh, yes! I see a very great dining experience in your future. Helpful hint: water is the chic beverage to have with soggy bologna.

Conversation? I see a lot of it for you! Actually, I see conversation toward and about you. . .Odd! I even see a woman named "Miranda" telling you to STFU™! Helpful hint: When a woman named "Marge" describes you as a "dish," she's not talking about gossip!

Yes, TehB, you have quite a future in store for you!