Bilge Sets Sail...

Teh Daily Squeak

Adm. Bilge Barges into Veep Race!

Teh Capitol, GN (Jan. 25)--
In a surprise
announcement,
Master Teller of Tales
Grand Admiral Bilgeman
announced his
intention to seek
the Vice-Presidency of
Gerbil Nation.

"When YOU elect me as YOUR Vice-President,
I pledge that I will work to increase Federal funding for teh smokin’ hottness cheese and beef-cake," he promised, "In fact, all government documents will be required to be printed on paper
watermarked with 'teh smokin’ hotness.'"

Asked for comment, Minister of Smokin' Hotness
Mariposa seemed pleased with the veep-wannabe's
proposal. "Well, just so long as I get some royalties
on all that paper....," she observed. "Just sayin'."

Adm. Bilgeman's announcement raised important
legal questions, however. "What the hell is that
guy smokin'?!" shouted Atty General Denny F.
Crane!. "We don't even have election laws in
Gerbil Nation yet!"

The lack of election laws, however, didn't take
any wind out of Adm. Bilgeman's sails. "We don't
have election laws?!" he exclaimed. "Well, when
I'm elected, the very first thing I'll do is put election
laws in place!"

Excerpts from Admiral Bilgeman's Speeches
to Gerbil Nation (Jan 25):

(Q) Do you have views on the War on Terror?

I certainly do! I think all forms of terror should be
banned, outlawed and taxed out of existence, unless
of course, it is the terror that we are inflicting in a
just and well-considered bipartisan way to prevent
others from inflicting terror on us. In those instances,
we should then apply terror like a squad of Marines
applies hammer blows to a tent-peg.
This means, of course, that we shall immediately
commence a neutron bomb strike on France.

(Q): How Will Nuking France Win the War?

I'm glad you asked that! You see, when the last of
the French people’s ashes have blown away, we
shall initiate resettlement initiatives for those folks
who presently live in oil-producing regions to move
and repopulate the Nation Formerly Known As France.
I think most right-thinking Arabs would MUCH prefer
a beachfront villa on the Cote-d-Azur than a walk0up
apartment in Sadr City. And with that kind of lifestyle
in fron of them, there wuld be no reason whatsoever f
or anyone to be a terrorist.

Now, once the oil regions have been emptied of their
former inhabitants, those territories will be administered,
under YOUR mandate to the the two communities that
have proven that they know what to do with desert
wastelands:

Jews and Mormons.

In no time at all, we’ll have a Bagdhad as cosmopolitian
as Tel Aviv and as safe and clean as Salt Lake City.

V.P. Bilge = Access for All

When I’m in the Well of the Senate, I want you to
know that I’m there for YOU. Do you want to know how
much time Chris Dodd and John Warner spend on their
hair in the morning? Just call. Curious as to what Barbara
Mikulski looks like in a swimsuit? I’ll post the jpg’s.
Want to smell Ted kennedy’s “morning breath” after
a bender? You’ll be my VIP guest to come have a sniff.
Would you like to take a sh-t in John Kerry’s desk drawer?
Two Words: “Master Key”--I’ll have one…which means
YOU’LL have one!

I’m YOUR tool.