Teh Daily Squeak

Teh squeak c'est chic!

Sunday, September 17, 2006


Guess Who Came to Lunch?

September 17th, 2006

Teh Daily Squeak
"All the frisch that's fit to squeak™"

Hericane DebSlams TSW; TSW Slams Back

TSW.com (Sept 16)--"I tell you, it almost seemed biblical,"
reflected one witness to the storm. "One minute, we've got
blue skies, happy gerbils squeaking away in their wheels...
then--bam!--a cloudburst of bile!"

The surprise hericane caused an emergency mobilization of
the Rapid Squeak Force: a hitherto secret army trained in
such advanced psy-ops tactics as batfrisch baiting. "I'm
delighted with how we beat back that wench of a hericane,"
pronounced Defense Minister Hosedragger. "The Rapid
Squeak Force sure came through when we needed 'em.
I'm personally arranging for BrendaK to enhance the
gerbils' pellet rations, Naw'leans-style!"

Experts claimed they weren't surprised by the hericane.
"I hate you reporters--always with the dumb questions!"
shouted Denny F. Crane, spokesman for the National
Odebonic and Atmodebic Administration. "We've got
hericanes down to a...science! 'Glug. Hic! Teh cycle.'
It doesn't get any simpler than that! Only someone
swilling the WTF™ and stuck on debid would
get confused by that!"

"We've named the hericane 'Deb'," announced Professor
Storms R. Kewl, head of the Department of Frisch-
Meteorology at the University of Oreygone. "Actually,
all of our hericanes are named 'Deb', so we're calling this
one 'Deb-1'. Or maybe 'Deb-lost'. We're not sure yet."

In a reassuring bit of news, Mass Gerbil Hospital reported
that there was only one casuality. "The hericane, for all
of its bluster was really pretty pawthetic," said an MGH
spokesman. "Someone squeaked his derriere off, but it
was just a flesh wound."

LIPL Epidemic: Are you at Risk?

Reprinted from: Squeaker’s Digress

Nowadays, more and more Gerbils are visiting their
doctors for an embarrassing condition: Laughter-induced
posterior loss, also known by its acronym, LIPL (rhymes
with “Ripple™”).

Sufferers of LIPL report that their cries for help often
go ignored. “When I typed ‘LMAO!’, not one person
called an ambulance—they thought I was kidding,”
observed a TSWer who prefers to be identified by the
pseudonym, Pip Squeak. “People think LIPL is funny,
but it’s not: because when you lose your posterior, you
fall out of your chair. You can’t get back up. I told
the other gerbils that I was rolling on the floor—but
they just kept laughing at me."

What causes LIPL? Scientists are still stumped. “The
only thing all of my patients have in common,” said
Dr. Eyeno Phud, “is that they had just consumed a
strange dish called ‘batfrisch.’ The chemists are still
trying to figure out the elements of this odd
substance. The only element they’ve identified is
webhysterical-type fluoride—also known as WTF™.”

Asked whether LIPL might cause people to become
leery of gorging on batfrisch, Dr. Phud expressed
skepticism. “Connoisseurs of batfrisch say that the
dish is so delectable, that they’re willing to take a
little LIPL-risk.

“It’s similar to a patient I had in Oregon,” Dr. Phud
continued. “I told her to lay off the armadillo-meat,
but did she listen? Nope. Now she’s suffering from
a full-blown case of blithering-idiot debmentia.
I’d tell you more about her, but I don’t wanna risk
infecting you with LIPL.”

Another Excerpt from Teh Tao de Teh:

When people see things as beautiful, ugliness is created.
When people see things as good, evil is created.
When people see batfrisch, “STFU, s’il vous plait!”™ is created.

Batfrisch and Gerbils produce each other.
teh cray zee and teh funny complement each other.
Squeaks and silence define each other.
Frisch and sanity oppose each other.
WTF and teh cray zee follow each other.

Therefore the Master Sinner
can act without doing anything
and teach without saying a word.
Teh batfrisch cycle comes his way and he does not stop it
teh deb leaves and teh Master lets her go.
She has teh crayzee without possessing it
--in fact, it’s teh crayzee which possesses her.

She acts without any expectations.
When her cray zee is done, she accepts no blame
--That is why teh cycle&#174 will last forever.

tim, seriously. what exactly do you eat to make you this funny?

Thanks very much, Otta.
Maybe it's coz I regularly
O.D. on "Mad Magazine" (I
have around 100 of tehir
paperbacks ;))

blushin' squeak™
Tim! Do you have of the old pocket sized quasi-hardbacks from the very first MM days? I nicked one when I was a little kid from my grandmother's house, but my sister gummed it to death.

*Shakes fist at the heavens*
I got all of my paperbacks
when Time/Warner printed
them in the 70s-80s. Nothing
older than 'at, alas!
Tim, you are too funny!
Thnx for teh funny!!

Thanks SFY, Sulla :)
Tim -

Teh funny® once again.

Perhaps TSW should start a charitable organization for LIPL sufferers: the Save Your Ass Fund.

"Help Us Help You To Save Your Ass"

I realize the word "ass" could be deemed offensive, but I think that liability is more than offset by the catchy buzz-phrase with its emotional appeal.

'Course it'll still be an uphill battle to raise consciousness so that we can encourage donations for transplant research. But I've got some stellar PR ideas I'm working on.

Re MM: About five years ago, a set of CD-ROMS was released contaning a complete collection to that point. One reviewer noted that in cases where the original film was not found, issues were scanned; he wrote the coffee rings and other marks on the latter category actually enhaced the reading experience.

Squeak on, Tim!
Thanks for the tip, Fatwa.

...perhaps "les derriere" instead of "ass"?
Glug, hic! Teh LIPL cycle!

Denny F. Crane!
Glug, hic! Teh LIPL cycle!

Denny F. Crane!
Glug, hic! Teh LIPL cycle!

Denny F. Crane!
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