Teh Daily Squeak
Teh squeak c'est chic!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
'Whizardlane' Sets Gerbil Speed Record!
Whichaway, KS (Feb 28)--Something of a record
was set in Gerbil Nation today, according to officials
at She Did Whatt?
"I can’t believe this!" exclaimed
Blizzardlane shortly before 3:00pm GST. "I’m
posting from the Accela! Faster than a speeding
show that Blizz 'Whizzer' Lane would
easily have broken teh 100mph speed-barrier,
If verified, Ms. Lane's feat would surpass teh
previous record of 93mph, set by the late Evel
Keniver. On Dec 3, 2006, Keniver posted to
TSW from his orange 1969 Hemi Charger, which
remains on display outside of Rock Canyon, OR:Keniver's Charger, RIP
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Teh TRUTH is...
Sekrit Report Explains GN Outage!
Teh Capitol, GN (Feb 27)--Insiders have released a
shocking account of teh real reason behind TSW.com's
outage, which was repaired late this morning.
Contents of teh hush-hush report were leaked to Teh
Squeak earlier today, and we are delighted to reprint
On teh other hand, maybe you should just go here
GN Weathers Bad WeatherLights Low, but Spirits High, in Sheltehr
GN Fallout Shelter (Feb 26)--At 5:15 GST,
Gerbil Nation was plunged into an unprecedented
power outage. Teh source of teh outage is a
possible TOS Event, Pres. Sinner later revealed.
Gerbils have taken the blackout in stride. "It
just shows that Gerbil Nation isn't merely a
website," said one from teh depths of tehFallout Shelter
; "We're a state of mind
. Set us
and we'll flourish!"
"Ya know, I was thinking," said Gerbil Dipsy.
"Teh deb gets shut down and the only beings left
to chat with are the Schlitz-fueled voices in her
head.We get shut down and look what happens.
We're camping out!"
JoeShmoe joyously latched onto teh trope: "Ha!
Let's turn out all the lights, make a blanket tent,
and light up the inside with dueling flashlights.
Hee hee!"President Sinner Working to Fix Teh Problem
Sunday, February 25, 2007
A Threat to Gerbil Nation?
Brenda's Dryer!Malevolent Maytag Mars Manners
Gorgetown, GN (Feb 25)--"It sucks," fretted
Gerbil meteorologist Win D. Fur. "No, really:
Brenda's Dryer sucks up everything that ain't
nailed down. It's disconcerting."
As savvy Gerbils know, Brenda's Dryer has
become Gerbil Nation's El Nino
most prominently, for hoovering up etiquette
and manners. "It's now part of the holy Trinity
of blame," noted a GN blogger at furryworrier.com.
"We used to just blame Rabbit
. Then we blamedRabbit
...though it was Bilge's idea
. We're coming
to teh point where we blame Rabbit
...which was disgorged by Brenda's Dryer
Asked to explain the Brenda Dryer phenomenon,
Dr. Fur attempted an astronomical analogy:
"Like an omnivorous black hole, Brenda's Dryer
has snowballed in mass by drawing all sorts of
crud into its orbit: socks, gerbil manners, Cheney's
approval rating," he explained. "In fact, only one
celestial body even begins to rival B.D.'s appetite:
Could Bren's Dryer present a military threat to
GN? A Pentagon squeaksman, Art Hillary, hinted
at teh possibility. "We have some intel that Boo
Kitty is threatening to harness Teh Dryer's suction
to upend Gerbil weather-patterns," he remarked.
"But we can't be certain of that--after all, Boo
Friday, February 23, 2007
Where's Deb? "Who Cares?!"
Teh Daily Squeak
A Curious Development...
Teh Capitol, GN (Feb 23)--Amidst teh overwhelming
whoops and hoopla following yesterday's massive pwning
of miss debbie™, another event caused a brief ripple
in Gerbil Nation. At approximately 12:30pm GST, deb's
site, SPW, went dark.
Gerbils were briefly intrigued by the development, but
then proceeded to discuss more imporant matters. Like
Blizzardlane's imminent washer/dryer purchase. And
the hazards of spin-drying possum-fur nipple warmers.
Teh Squeak thanks VoR for a helpful amendment to this issue.
Think ur smart now, debbie? ;)
PWN3D!!!GERBIL NATION REVELS IN RUSING DEBBIE
Teh Capitol, GN (Feb 23)--Now it can be told. Gerbil
Nation completely pwned debbie yesterday into
believing that: 1) debbie had discovered Pres. Sinner's
workplace, and 2) that debbie had succeeded in shutting
down TSW, as a result of her--snort!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Do Not Pass Go, Do Not...
Teh Daily SqueakIs Deb About to Become Jail-Bait?
Teh Capitol, GN (Feb 21)--In a shockingly
, Miss Debbie revealed that
Lane County, OR authorities are now aware
of her Denver arrest warrant. Which means
that Debbie's arrest may simply be a matter
In a Jan. 16th letter to Lane County authorities,
JG's attorney apprised these authorities of
the warrant and requested she face arrest
in Oregon. "we got a warrant out for her
arrest on account of she’s being held in contempt
of court...here in Denver!" reads teh deb's
reconstruction of teh letter. "[So] we was
wondering if you might could lock her up for
"Four words," remarked a representative
of teh Gerbil Nation Justice Department,
when asked for a comment. "She. Is. So. Doomed
Despite debbie's imminent concrete fate,
she nonetheless larded her post with the
selfsame remarks which landed her in
contempt of court last December. "(thankfully!)
retired Colorado Supreme Court Justice Anthony
Vollack [is] a dingbat," she ranted. "Judge Robert
...Crew [is] an a-hole...and a moron," she raved.
"It will be amusing to see what names she'll
call her suitemates at La Casa Incarcerata
quipped Solicitor Gen. Truman Fisk. "We're
taking bets over how many of her teeth will
be knocked out before she learns how to
STFU™. Earth to deb: Teh prison
learning curve is a literal jawbreaker!"
Deb headed her post with a promise to
provide readers with "LIVE UPDATES" of
her so-called negotiations "as they OCCUR
Gerbils couldn't help but wonder whether
one of these "LIVE UPDATES" might end
up including her arrest and imprisonment.
Big-hearted Gerbils also took up a collection
--to equip Lane County prison-cells with
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Debbie = (Creek - Paddle - Canoe)
Teh Daily Squeak"Debbie, You're Fired!"Lawbaw sought to ditch deb in
September, papers show...
Gerbil Nation (Feb 15)--Deb's own attorney
sought to withdraw his services several months
ago, according to papers posted
online by teh
deb™ this afternoon.
In addition to a bill to debbie (for $1,618.50),
deb's postings also included a "Motion to
Withdraw as Counsel" composed by teh Cody
law firm, as well as a document reflecting
receipt of teh motion (by JG's attorney) on
(It's unclear whether teh motion is yet in
force, since other accounts show debbie
having legal representation as recently
as a Dec. 6th hearing, in which debbie
was slapped with an arrest warrant
In addition to teh legal papers, debbie also
included a comment on her blogue. Sock-
puppeting as "Perry Mason," teh deb™
exposed her barren legal knowledge (as
usual). "I would have...ask[ed JG's attorney]
why: [a.] his client was willing to lie to the police
by claiming he was in imminent danger; [b.]
why Mr. Lewis was willing to assist his client
in putting in a fraudulent request for a TRO to
the Denver County Courthouse."
Deb's legal pipe-dream envisioned JG's
attorney prostrate (and his prostate):
"[W]hen [JG's attorney] was speechless and
started fondling his silk faux-phallus nervously,"
she wrote, "[I would then] ask the dim-witted
patent lawyer to drop his fraudulent, frivolous
harassment of my client immediately."
attempted to contact GN Atty
General, Denny F. Crane!, to comment on
the legal nuances of teh deb's jurisprudence.
But reps of Mr. Crane!'s office revealed that
he'd been taken to Mass Gerbil Hospital by
"They're re-attaching teh ass he laughed
off," said an aide.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Teh Deb: A Jack Off Many Trades...
Teh Daily Squeak
TEH-TV Announces New Lineup
Hollysqueak, CA (Feb 13)--Ripped from teh headlines, TEH-TV today announced its new lineup of television shows:
8:00PM--Teh Fugitive: A Denver judge hires a P.I. to track down an elusive, one-lobed, former adjunct teacher on a contempt of court arrest warrant [Action]
8:30PM-- KOPZ! YouJean police officers find
an inebriated deranged, derided former adjunct teacher attempting to siphon suds from a Schlitz delivery truck [Comedy]
9:00PM--Teh Rockhead Files: A deranged, derided former adjunct teacher starts her vewy own private investigation firm. This week: Having recently learned the meaning of "google," Debbie stalks and harasses the spouse of Harvard's new
president, in her never-ending research into Teh
"Jooish Conspiracy." [Melodrama]
10:00PM--LA-LA-LAnd Law: A deranged, derided former adjunct teacher composes her own her own legal briefs [Comedy]
Tonights shows are all sponsored by our favorite Snack Cake™
Little Debbie--Teh world's first nutty fruitcake!
Monday, February 12, 2007
In teh public interest...
Teh Daily Squeak
Gerbil MD Offers $.02 to "0.12 Debbie"
Gorgetown, GN (Feb 12)--Teh Surgeon General
delivered a national address tonight, in teh interest
of explaining some facts which Teh Debbie™
fails to comprehend.
"Debbie's noted that she switched from wine to
said Surgeon Gen. C. Laffin Coot. "This
may go a long way to explain her recent antics
on CL Eugene--she may fail to realize just how
blitzed she's getting on beer." Coot then displayed
a simple equation:
"As long as this simple fact eludes debbie," said
Coot, "then she'll continue spewing her batfrisch,
failing to realize how compromised her BAC is."
Coot then produced a correlation between teh
deb™'s postings, "from which we can
extrapolate her blood-alcohol content at the
time of posting":
(1) 10:00am-4:00pm (BAC = .05)
"We gather debbie cracked her first Schlitz upon
waking, since by ten, she posted
saccharine poetry. At this point, she's just buzzed,
(2) 6:00pm-7:30pm (BAC = .12)
"Okay, now she's maintaining a good drunk, 'coz
that's when teh anti-semitic cray zee starts. She
out, in paranoid fashion, at a fictional Gerbil
, alleging that most if not all members are
. We peg her BAC at .12, since that's the
level Mel Gibson blew when he loosed his own
(3) 8:00pm-10:25pm (BAC = .08)
"We wonder if the fridge was tapped out by now,
since teh deb attempts some conciliatory words
I don't believe they're all evil conspirators
attempts. Then again, she lies that Teh Squeak
is lying, and takes a (typical) turn into pedophilia
and coprophilia: 'Change [teh boys'] diapers after
you give them a spanking,' she remarks. The
then makes a couple
of juvenile 'SuperGerbil'
posts. This shows compromised judgment, but
teh paranoia has diminished; her psyche then
manifests its trademark See-what-you-made-me
(4) 11:00pm (BAC=.08)
"She almost passes out at this point, offering
another infantile, syrupy poem, then feints
off to bed."
(5) 11:30pm-1:15am (BAC = .12)
"Oops! She must have found that 40-ounce
she left under the pillow! Debbie returns,
with anti-semitism and bat-frisch
Her second ETOH-wind lasts for another
"We hope that this timeline has been instructive,"
the Surgeon General concluded. "My two cents
of advice to Miss Debbie would be, simply, to
lay offa that Schlitz!"
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Teh Daily SqueakSame Poo, Same Deb
Gerbil Nation (Feb 10)--On her website and Craigslist, Debbie
posted more attacks Saturday, her Schlitz-fueled railing
providing proof she's off the rails. As usual.
In addition to her (typical) attempts to rewrite history, teh debadded
some new news: Last week, she telephonically stalked
"the managing partner" of JG's attorney's law firm. She also
dictated a "deal" to JG's attorney, in a conversation teh deb™
recounted as follows:PL: Hullo?DF: Hi Paul. It’s Doctor Frisch from Oregon.PL: [silence]DF: I’m calling to see if Mr. Lane forwarded you the 25 page brief I faxed him yesterday.PL: It’s not 25 pages.DF: Okay, fine. My question is this: What is your response to my request to try to negotiate an end to our grievances stemming from the fact that you have repeatedly filed fraudulent and frivolous motions against me in an attempt to inflict emotional, financial, professional and physical harm on me on the basis of my sex, sexual orientation and political orientation?PL: Do you mind if I tape this conversation? (I SWEAR on a stack of korans this is true!)DF: Actually Paul, I’d like to fax you the draft of an agreement.PL: Okay.DF: Thanks.
Gerbils couldn't help but "giggle" at teh deb's presumptuousness
and arrogance. "Stunning moronicity," quipped one. "Note the
use of the familiar form of address [for the lawyer]," observed
another, "while retaining the honorific for herself." This absurdity
flew in the face of certain obvious facts, teh gerbil then remarked:Clue: he’s employed, you’re not.Clue II: he’s respected, you’re not.Clue III: he’s loved, you’re out of batteries.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Anoteher Jolt To Teh Lab-Rat...
Teh Daily SqueakTeh Debolution Continues...
"Debbie, STFU, SVP™!" Sez Prez...
Teh Capitol, GN (Feb 9)--Probably emboldened
by her nightly Schlitz
Miss Debbie posted yet another profane message
to CL Eugene--which inspired a chastening rebuttehl
by El Presidente Sinner this morning.
"You may think you are anonymous," Sin counseled, "but you
could not be more identifiable. I am someone that has taken
great pains to stay anonymous on the net, and yet I know
that a determined, competent person could track me down
in a few hours."
"The justice system," he added, "can and will tie you to these
postings in time."
In addition to Teh Debbie's attack on El Presidente, teh post
also singled out Vice Presidential candidate Bilgeman for
abuse. "You are nothing but an unnamed gerbil with a
cleaver nicki-name like Bilge...," slurred teh deb. "What
the phuck do you think you are?"
Gerbil politicos speculated that Gerbils, digging teh dig,
would elect Bilgeman unanimously. "It just goes to show
he's hard on teh deb™," remarked columnist Will
Gorge. "Wait, lemmee rephrase that...."
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Teh Daily SqueakDEBBIE HITS JG, SQUEAK ON CL!Gerbils Strike Back
Teh Octagon (Feb 5)--Reacting to yesterday'sSqueak
dispatch, Miss Debbie™ posted
several yelping messages to CL--one of which
quoted Teh Squeak
as a source.
The Gerbil response was quick and awesome:
a mere half-hour later, CL was treated to Teh
Truth™ about Debbie. "Deb Frisch is NOT
a victim," read the rejoinder. "She has been
prosecuted for stalking and two counts of telephonic
harassment. She copped a plea to harassment and
is serving one year of probation in Lane County."
Teh CL rejoinder also posted links to several sources:
stories on teh deb™'s outstanding Denver arrestwarrant
, as well as a PDF-file to her terms of probation
handed down by a YouJean judge last Sept. 27.
Gerbil Nation reacted
proudly to the counterstrike.
"He’s good," declared a certain pixie who requested
anonymity. "Let’s buy him a drink."
CL-posting also revealed Gerbil Nation's
motivation for its presence in CL YouJean. "I have no
stake in this," wrote the gerbil. "I simply want
Frisch to stop posting under other names in her
campaign to look like a victim. I would also like to
see her stop harassing those she has been attacking
for the past eight months."
That, in 34 brief words, describes the desires of
every gerbil in Teh Nation--this editor included.Today's Editorial....
Monday, February 05, 2007
Is She Gone?
Teh Daily SqueakCL-Post War Ends With a Whimper
YouJean, OR (Feb 5)--Anti-gerbil posts to Craigslist
Eugene ceased abruptly this past weekend, further
evidencing that Deb Frisch was the sockpuppet behind
the profane and libelous posts, all along.
Anonymous gerbil sources say that a manager of the
CL list was contacted, and the manager agreed to block
The quick ending to the CL kerfuffle thus suggests that
the CL bomber had "Made in Eugene" written all over it.
Friday, February 02, 2007
**Must Credit the SQUEAK REPORT**
Slip of pen ID's CL Bomber!
Gerbil Nation (Feb 2)--The anonymous
poster who has posted libelous bile about
JG and Gerbil Nation may have unwittingly
That's right: her
Atty General Denny F. Crane pointed out a
crucial pronoun in a CL post from today:We all say crap about local cops Jeff. You fool. I despised my opponent’s lawyer, you obsessed idiot. Get help Jeff...
Teh full post can be found here HERE
Teh text of DFC!'s sleuthing, and subsequent
reaction, can be found HERE
Teh Daily SqueakPresident: CL is Not on the Nice List...
Teh Capitol (Feb 2)--Describing it as a "sewer drain
of the [sic] innertubes," El Prez. Sinner blasted Eugene
Craigslist in a morning message to Gerbil Nation.
In response to an allegation
that Gerbils were sniping
on teh List, Prez. Sin offered conclusive proof that anti-
Debbie Listers ("Listerines
?") are certainly not GNers:
"I highly doubt that anyone associated with the Gerbil
Nation is posting anything there," he wrote. "If they
had, the wit and charm of the place would have skyrocketed,
which clearly has not happened."
A CL Listerine followed up teh allegation with a threat
"I say it's time that we RnRers go over to tehsqueakywheel,
"and start taking over their boring ass site." To which
Prez. Sinner is said, by an anonymous informant, to have
replied: "Bring it on!"
Other Gerbils were more welcoming, though. Informed of
a possible imminent visit by CLers, Gerbil Californican
wheeled out a coffee cart. "Feel free to hang around," he
said. "I think I have enough coffee for everyone."
After hearing of Californican's largesse, military experts
were stunned. "Wars happen all teh time," said Gen.
H. Ole Fox, "but I've never heard of one being catered
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