PSYOPS DIRECTOR LARGEN FIRM
Eugene (Mar 16)--According to terms of her sentehncing last week
Little Miss Debbie is slated to square off with a head-shrinker as
early as Tuesday, and no later than March 31st.
As a result, we here at Teh Squeak
grew curiouser and curiouser
over what teh shrinks might find hiding under teh rocks in Teh
So we sat down with Secretary Largen Firm, Gerbil Nation's
Director of Psyops. Who better to handicap our mentally
handicapped Debster than teh man whose main job
it is to do battle in Teh Belly of Teh Batfrisch (so to
speak).Teh Daily Squeak:
So, Brother Largen, it's your job to know
what makes Little Debbie tick?Sec. Largen Firm:
] If you’re gonna liken Debbie to a
timepiece, she’s one that strikes thirteen every hour. TDS:
Or strikes pi?LF:
So if you were asked to profile our demented Phail.D.,
what might you say? LF:
Three main things come to mind. For starters, Teh Deb
doesn't understand how things interconnect outside her areas
of expertise. She characteristically underestimates or mis-
estimates what is going to happen in response to situation
and stimulation. She is a very "narrow" person, in other words.
Her estimates of events’ probability (both categorical and
conditional) are wildly out of whack with teh real world. TDS:
Do these “fails” in her knowledge-base show up
in her behavior?LF:
All the time! Look at what we learned from her
criminal trial: Deb claims she was in fear of bodily
harm when she assaulted her victim. So she pepper
sprayed her victim. Then what did she do? She locked
up the house, turned out the lights, and went to bed. TDS:
Yeah, that’s weird.LF:
Absolutely. I mean, most folks would have locked
the door, and called 911, in response to a trespasser
or assailant. But Deb never “gets it” when this obvious
fact is pointed out to her. She is blind to the logic in
To put it clinically, you know how most people have
a “reality and morality monitor” in their prefrontal
cortex? Well, Debbie doesn’t.TDS:
You know, the medical writer Samuel Shem
has this joke in his book on psychiatrists, Mount
. “We shrinks specialize in our own defects,”
he says. Maybe Frisch’s clanging lack of a “reality
circuit” is the reason why she studied decision theory
so intently in school? To maybe, I dunno, fill in that
gaping gap in her psyche?LF:
], sure. Could be. Frisch is, as the fine
psychologist Dan Ariely would say, "predictably
Wow, teh "predictable" aspect of Teh Deb's
irrationality must make it easy to spoof her.LF:
Yep! Frisch is easier to pwn
than a one-legged
man trying to kick a door down.TDS:
So she has serious disconnects from the real
world. It must leave her pretty flummoxed when
reality bites her on the [redact], no?LF:
A thousand times, yes! We see this in her blogs
all the time, and I’m sure it shows up in her behavior
in real life. When reality goes "off script"—the script
Debbie expects the world to obey—she becomes
confused, fails to think on her feet, and starts
dissembling by habit. This leads to a spiral of confusion,
and she starts to shut down. She becomes non-
responsive to direct questions. She also cannot integrate
her prior lies into her story; she then gets confused
when her obvious self-contradictions are pointed out.
Indeed, she manifests the famous slogan attributed to
Goebbels: “tell the lie enough times
, and it becomes
The problem is, Debbie’s the only one who
believes her own lies. She’s endlessly perplexed that
she can’t convince the world of her distorted version
of Teh Truth.LF:
Disconnection from reality, by itself, is bad enough.
But Debbie has a second Achilles heel: her grossly
distorted sense of entitlement. She is slightly clever
with the very few things she does know, but thinks
she’s a genius. She expects total respect from everyone,
instantly—and she expects this respect even before
she’s given any evidence that she’s earned it. Entitled,
spoiled, narcissistic, all of those describe this characteristic. TDS:
So we have a narcissist with splits from reality.
Yes. I guess we might count it as part of Debbie’s
narcissism. But it’s worth singling out by itself: Teh
Deb’s total lack of empathy. There's something about
how she refers to other people that makes the hair
on the back of my neck stand up. I can't put a finger
on it, but it is creepy, and frightening.
Remember when she victimized Jeff back in 2006?She said he wasn’t “human” to her.
Well, I think
that’s Debbie’s attitude toward pretty much
Good point. Anyone with a whit of empathy
couldn’t bring themselves to do the nasty things
she does. LF:
Yeah. That’s exactly it. TDS:
So we have narcissism, lack of empathy, and
teh stoopid (i.e., disconnects from reality). LF:
That just about covers the main points. Of
course, you’d need a book to document how those
work in action. TDS:
A book…or a police report. LF: LOL
, that would be one long report
Thank you for taking the time to tawk toTeh Squeak
, Brother Large. LF:
My pleasure. TDS:
Fight teh good fight. LF
]: You know I always do.
EYEWITNESS EXCLUSIVE!!!11"WHAT I SAW AT TEH SENTENCING"By: Trix E. Lom, Intrepid Reporter
Eugene (Mar 12)--Because teh Editor, Minteh,
ix-nayed my reasonable request for a plane ticket,
I had to hitchhike to Eugene. So I arrived a bit
To make matters worse, the Courthouse was as
messy as a gerbil cage: the usual security station
was closed off--no doubt to redistribute guards
to Teh Deb's sentencing hearing...
Then security made me surrender my belt and
boots. This piqued my ire, since I'd bought them
especially to wear in court. I was especially proud
of the belt--which bore an extra-large buckle with
a GERBIL on it. (Oh well, no harm done--they
didn't make me remove my WTF Vodka t-shirt...)DADDY TESTIFIES FOR DEBBIE
Anyhoo...I made it to the courtroom. A bit late.
When I arrived in the courtroom, a father was
making an impassioned plea on behalf of his
daughter, but I didn't recognize that it was about
the perpetrator, because it sounded like he was
talking about someone, well, sane
The father was in his mid-60s, perhaps, a medium-
tall gentlemen dressed appropriately in a casual
gray suit. He spoke like a man who is used to
public speech and seemed kind and forthright,
but above all he was trying to maintain himself
in this public and humiliating moment.
He said that he did not approve of his daughter's
language at times, but that it would serve no good
purpose for her to go to jail, especially since the
family had already committed to her alcohol
treatment at their own expense.When he finished his plea, the perpetrator
clapped a few times, in violation of both
common sense and etiquette.
That perpetrator was--you guessed it--our own
Debbie!MEET TEH PARENTS...
Deb and her attorney had their backs to me. Her
parents had not looked over at me, as I was sitting
well behind them, in the back row, taking notes.
The front row was reserved.
I should say that Frisch's mother was an attractive
woman, wearing black and well-groomed in every
aspect. She is thin and has an olive complexion and
short, glossy, black hair
cut & styled in a loose pageboy.
She may be her husband's age but, if so, she has taken
great care of her figure and her skin.
She didn't speak, and it seemed to this reporter that
she was doing her best not to cry. She held a white
handkerchief and occasionally raised it to her eyes
but she steadfastly maintained her dignity and set
an example for others there whose respect for the
court was not quite as evident in their apparel and
The perp's lawyer referred to Deb as "Ms." then
corrected it to "Dr."
.HERE COMES TEH JUDGE('S SPEECH)
The judge, piqued, asked the perp what her degree is in.
"My Ph.D.?" piped up the defendant, "It's in Psychology
Decision Science. I worked for the National Science
Foundation blah blah blah
." Same self-aggrandizing spiel
about her long-lost glory days when she had a real job
and some respect among her peers.Based on this confession, the judge said, "You
know what I want to hear."
The perp stood up, looking sickly pale and older than
her years, plus thicker in the middle, probably due to
her heavy drinking. She affected a quiet, almost timid
and slightly higher voice than her typical, rasping alto.She said that she would go to Serenity Lane,
and that she has watched her parents' grief
since they've been visiting her in Oregon, grief
at the fact that she is a "magnet for legal action,"
and she doesn't wish to cause any more pain.
She was standing with her attorney facing the judge by
then. The judge began a well-deserved lecture in her direction.
He said that he wanted to help her (meaning the defendant),
but that the victim had been harmed. He chastised her for,
as a psychologist, not acting on her knowledge of the damage
caused by alcohol use when it is chronic or binge drinking
He explained how dopamine receptors
in the brain become
atrophied from such drinking, and waxed poetic about the
joys of an unexpected sunny day, a smiling baby in the
supermarket, or being licked by a puppy. With chronic
drinking, such joy is diminished, he said.
It's also easy then to lapse into criminal thinking and
dishonesty, he added.
At this point, the defendant asked to speak again, and
the judge granted her the privilege, although he seemed
She said she had stopped drinking a week before her
parents arrived and that for the first time in her life
she doesn't want to drink, and she feels better. She
stated that she didn't know about dopamine receptors.
The judge said he wished he had a time machine and
could send abusers ahead in time to seven months of
clean and sober. It takes a while, he said, but alcohol
is a chronic-relapse, fatal disease
. He told her to get
"plugged in to the recovery community" immediately,
because they are generous people who would give you
their phone numbers--"GIVE HER THEIR PHONE NUMBERS??"
your intrepid reporter wondered. "Isn't
that how Debbie got into all this trouble in
teh first place??"
The perpetrator then replied to the judge without
asking permission to do so, and she had clearly lost
her facade of timidity and was becoming bold in a
way that was contraindicated by her position before
Still, she told him that if he would read her blog, he
would understand that she is in earnest and has quit
drinking.To which the judge said, "I WILL read
.TEH JUDGE GETS DOWN TO BIDNESSPROBATION:
The perpetrator has been sentenced to 3 years of
probation. During the period of probation, the convict
has to be peaceful. She must notify the judge if she is
charged with a new crime, or if she moves, within five
days.CONDITIONS OF PROBABION INCLUDE: "STFU!"
Further, the convict is not allowed to have any weapons
during the period of her probation, and she is not allowed
to drink alcohol or to frequent bars or any gathering
where the primary activity is the consumption of alcohol.
She may have no contact with the victim, not even through
third parties, and she may not post her likeness or name
on any medium, including the internet. Any of these
would constitute a violation of probation
.GET A JOB!!!
He asked her whether she was employed, to which she said
no. In that case, the judge demands that she seek and maintain
full-time employment and/or schooling.$500 FINE!
Since the convict's father has testified that she is indigent,
the judge requires a fine of $500, to be paid at the rate of
not less than $50 per month, with the first payment due
August 31st. All of this will be in a judgment document to
come.10 DAYS ON TEH SHERIFF'S "PAYROLL"
The convict must serve 10 days in the custody of the Lane
, but that custody may consist of community
service or road-crew work. Jail time may not help, the
judge admitted. In fact, the difference comes not with
punishment, but with her commitment to sobriety.JUDGE GETS A BIT SOFT
Again, the judge stated he felt he had let the victim down,
but he was compelled to balance many factors. It is the
opinion of your reporter that the impassioned plea of the
convict's father and the quiet stoicism of her attractive,
grieving mother made a compassionate impression on
this judge who appreciates sunshine, babies, and puppies.GET THEE TO A SHRINK, DEBBIE!
Finally, the convict must submit to a psychological evaluation,
which is scheduled for March 17th. In case of any delay, the
evaluation must be completed by March 31st and the court
must receive evidence that the evaluation has been completed.
It is understood that Serenity Lane will direct her necessary
treatment and notify the court of its completion.CASE CONTINUED UNTIL...MAY 21st
Teh convict will return to the court on May 21 of this year at
8:30 a.m. for a probation review. The judge repeated that he
is charging the convict only $500 in total; all other fees are
waived. He reminded her that paying earlier than the due
date would be a good gesture. The sheriffs, he said, would
not take her into custody immediately, but she will go to jail today.
In taking 10 days of her life as fit payment
for harming another citizen, the sheriffs will work around
her Serenity Lane treatment. While at the jail, the former
well-respected doctor and practitioner of decision science
will be fingerprinted.AND NOW...TIME FOR "TEH GREAT EXCAPE"!
As this reporter was wary of being seen and perhaps identified,
everyone's backs were to me, and the judge was launching into
what I assumed would be a brief yet potent parting shot, I slowly
stood and eased my way out of the courtroom and the courthouse
itself, winding my way down the dungeon-like back stairs to a
"secure" door marked "Do not grant access through this door."
I didn't grant access. I smoked a cigarette & pondered this day
of celebration for gerbils, and for lovers of justice everywhere.
On my way out of the courtroom, however, I did hear the
beginning of the judge's final speech. He turned to the convict,
still standing before him and said:"You are the center of your universe. But you know that."
That's the story from your intrepid reporter, Trix E. Lom, ever ready
and at your service to dish the latest dirt on pedophiles everywhere.I shall return.