Teh Daily Squeak

Teh Daily Squeak
"All the Frisch that's Fit to Squeak"™

September 18th, 2006--Evening Edition

Frischmas Comes Early to TSW

Gerbil Nation (Sept. 18)--By a 6-1 vote, resident Gerbils
voted to move Frischmas eve from Wednesday to today.

The vote, called by BrendaK, followed an observation by
Rabbit: "If her Thursday cycle has moved to Tuesday,"
she said, "then today is Frischmas Eve."

Californican, who cast the sole 'nay', explained his vote
thusly: "Its more like the day after a really bad drinking
binge..more like New Years Day...Only Deb forgot to make
any good resolutions."

Once the early Frischmas was declared, Gerbils wheeled
away the hours in a festive Poetry Slam. Dianna opened
the Slam on a high note:

I don’t care if Monday’s blue,
Tuesday’s black and Wednesday’s, too,
Thursday I don’t care about you,
It’s Frischmas, I’m in awe…

Saturday hesitates,Sunday always comes too late,
But Frisch-days don’t procrastinate;
It’s Frischmas, I’m in awe…

McGehee added an Irish spin to the slam with his
impromptu limerick:

There once was a blogroach named Deb
Who fancied herself a celeb
Her hysterionics
Were typed in Debonics
And she became quite a joke on teh web.

Not to be outdone in teh funnee™ department,
Rabbit threw down the gauntlet with her send-up of
"Rawhide":

Trollin’ trollin’ trollin’...Deb-gollem keeps on trollin’
She’s blowin’ and a’ goin’...Keeps that Deb-bile flowin’
Word Warrior keeps trollin’
Don’t try to understand her
Click delete,
block an’ ban her
Soon she will be trollin’ far an’ wide
Coyote’s calculatin’ Cold Bear will be waitin’
Be waitin’ for a piece of her hide

Log her in log her out
Ban her now an’ ag’in
Change her name, avatar
Ban her here and afar
Set her up, reel her in
Do it all once ag’in
Do it now, do it now, do it noooooooow!
DEBHIDE!

Gerbils present quickly squeeked, "Teh-haw!"™


Editorial: SBH Proposes Deb-Free Zones™

Gerbil Nation (Sept. 18)--In an intriguing proposal,
SBH queried about the possibility of zoning teh deb™
to specific threads, and keeping others Frisch-free.

"Sinner," SBH asked, "Can you...create an application wherein
she get’s directed to a specified Debspew thread when she comes
by? Kind of like a you want 12a, just along the corridor. This is
abuse not argument-redirect.

"Keep her in a cage where folks that like to engage her can go
to laugh," SBH continued, "...Then you can have some threads
where she can’t actually interact in the fun."

SBH flagged one worry about the ethics of the proposal, though:
"If it involves locking parts and having restricted access to anyone
in the world but her it would definitley ruin it. Might as well be
AW then."

Yet Minteh wondered if there really was an ethical equivalence.
[Full Disclosure: 'Minteh' is the guy writing this blurb!--Ed.]
"Ethically, it’s not the same as the whatt teh Abbeywebbers did.
We aren’t talking about banning Deb–just zoning her... It’s like
the idea of having smoking and non-smoking areas (well, back
when there were smoking areas :p). If there are days that peeps
don’t feel like dealing with Deb, it would be great if TSW could
accomodate that."

"We could even give the Daily Deb thread a name like teh Zoo
thread™ or sumthin’"


Be Prepared, Sez DHS...

Gerbil Nation (Sept. 18)--The Department of Homecage
Security released the following list of preparations for
teh next hericane:

(1) Stock shelter with 3 days’ worth of water, pellets,
shavings, et cetehra.

(2) Oil & Lube “Alt” and “PrintScreen” keys

(3) Put new “pwned!” avatar on rush order!

(4) Buy stock in SST (Sinner’s SoopersekritTransactions)

(5) Put Lane County Prosecutor on speed-dial

(6) Set up latrine over teh deb’s™ tip-jar

(7) Make sure home insurance covers debile damage

(8) For spiritual comfort, read Teh Tao deTeh Heh.™

(9) If evacuation is indicated, make reservationsfor
teh Night Train™ (hat tip: www.bumwine.com)

(10) Contribute generously to Hosedragger’s Evacuee
Honorarium (HEH™).


Science News
Deb-2: Is Global Frisching to Blame?

Sunday's hericane was rare in its level of unadulterated
batfrisch--a fact which didn't go unnoticed by frisch-
scholars.

"We have to admit," remarked debonomist Mari Posa,
"that these hericanes' intensity may be the result of global
frisching."

The Global Frisching Hypothesis™ has received an
increasing amount of public attention lately--thanks, in
part, to the runaway success of the recent movie, An
Inconvenient Frisch.

"We have to face the possibility that Gerbil Nationers
make a causal contribution to global frisching," Posa said
solemnly. "The process is easy to explain: Gerbil Nation's
industrialization consumes large numbers of hitcount-
resources. These hitcounts deplete the hitcounts of deb's
pawthetic site™. But if Tim's Conjecture is right, then
depleted hitcounts cause teh cray zee to skyrocket."

"In short," she concluded, "Gerbil hitcounts cause teh
cray zee--that's the Global Frisching Hypothesis."

When asked whether global frisching could be reversed,
Posa sighed. "I think it's a little late for that. Gerbil
Nationers are too addicted to their squeaky way of life:
bandwidth-guzzling avatars, no respect for the concept
of thread-conservation, et cetehra."

"We really need to look into alternative energy sources,"
Posa added. "Take gerbelectric power, for example: It's
a proven fact that a hundred gerbils on a hundred squeaky
wheels can generate enough electricity to power a small
city. So, why aren't we looking into this as a source of
energy? Because the Greedy Big Bandwidth companies
won't fund the research."

Many ordinary gerbils concur with Posa's critique of Big
Bandwidth. "I really wanna live in a gerbelectric-powered
house," said Nedra Seal, a patient at the Institute for Crapal
Tunnel Disorders. "I know that Boo Kitty said I like the
Big Bandwidth meanies. But Boo Kitty is a LIER."

Next Week in Science News: "El Nino, meet La Hombra!"


Police Report Handful of Poo-bys

(TEH-TV): Police on Monday night reported only mild
crime-activity in Gerbil Nation. "We've had a few poo-
flingers, but it's been pretty quiet today," said Sgt. Don
Ut. "The men in green cans will follow up, but we're
hoping that these were just isolated incidents."