Teh Daily SqueakAdm. Bilge Barges into Veep Race!
Teh Capitol, GN (Jan. 25)--
In a surprise
Master Teller of Tales
Grand Admiral Bilgeman
intention to seek
the Vice-Presidency of
"When YOU elect me as YOUR Vice-President,
I pledge that I will work to increase Federal funding for teh smokin’ hottness cheese and beef-cake," he promised, "In fact, all government documents will be required to be printed on paper
watermarked with 'teh smokin’ hotness.'"
Asked for comment, Minister of Smokin' Hotness
Mariposa seemed pleased with the veep-wannabe's
proposal. "Well, just so long as I get some royalties
on all that paper....," she observed. "Just sayin'."
Adm. Bilgeman's announcement raised important
legal questions, however. "What the hell is that
guy smokin'?!" shouted Atty General Denny F.
Crane!. "We don't even have
election laws in
Gerbil Nation yet!"
The lack of election laws, however, didn't take
any wind out of Adm. Bilgeman's sails. "We don't
have election laws?!" he exclaimed. "Well, when
I'm elected, the very first thing I'll do is put election
laws in place!"Excerpts from Admiral Bilgeman's Speechesto Gerbil Nation (Jan 25):(Q) Do you have views on the War on Terror?I certainly do! I think all forms of terror should be banned, outlawed and taxed out of existence, unless of course, it is the terror that we are inflicting in a just and well-considered bipartisan way to prevent others from inflicting terror on us. In those instances, we should then apply terror like a squad of Marines applies hammer blows to a tent-peg.
This means, of course, that we shall immediately commence a neutron bomb strike on France.(Q): How Will Nuking France Win the War?I'm glad you asked that! You see, when the last of the French people’s ashes have blown away, we shall initiate resettlement initiatives for those folks who presently live in oil-producing regions to move and repopulate the Nation Formerly Known As France.
I think most right-thinking Arabs would MUCH prefer a beachfront villa on the Cote-d-Azur than a walk0up apartment in Sadr City. And with that kind of lifestyle in fron of them, there wuld be no reason whatsoever for anyone to be a terrorist.
Now, once the oil regions have been emptied of their former inhabitants, those territories will be administered, under YOUR mandate to the the two communities that have proven that they know what to do with desert wastelands:
Jews and Mormons.
In no time at all, we’ll have a Bagdhad as cosmopolitian as Tel Aviv and as safe and clean as Salt Lake City.V.P. Bilge = Access for AllWhen I’m in the Well of the Senate, I want you to know that I’m there for YOU. Do you want to know how much time Chris Dodd and John Warner spend on their hair in the morning? Just call. Curious as to what Barbara Mikulski looks like in a swimsuit? I’ll post the jpg’s.
Want to smell Ted kennedy’s “morning breath” after a bender? You’ll be my VIP guest to come have a sniff.
Would you like to take a sh-t in John Kerry’s desk drawer?
Two Words: “Master Key”--I’ll have one…which means YOU’LL have one!
I’m YOUR tool.