Teh Daily Squeak
Gerbil MD Offers $.02 to "0.12 Debbie"
Gorgetown, GN (Feb 12)--Teh Surgeon General
delivered a national address tonight, in teh interest
of explaining some facts which Teh Debbie™
fails to comprehend.
"Debbie's noted that she switched from wine to
said Surgeon Gen. C. Laffin Coot. "This
may go a long way to explain her recent antics
on CL Eugene--she may fail to realize just how
blitzed she's getting on beer." Coot then displayed
a simple equation:
"As long as this simple fact eludes debbie," said
Coot, "then she'll continue spewing her batfrisch,
failing to realize how compromised her BAC is."
Coot then produced a correlation between teh
deb™'s postings, "from which we can
extrapolate her blood-alcohol content at the
time of posting":
(1) 10:00am-4:00pm (BAC = .05)
"We gather debbie cracked her first Schlitz upon
waking, since by ten, she posted
saccharine poetry. At this point, she's just buzzed,
(2) 6:00pm-7:30pm (BAC = .12)
"Okay, now she's maintaining a good drunk, 'coz
that's when teh anti-semitic cray zee starts. She
out, in paranoid fashion, at a fictional Gerbil
, alleging that most if not all members are
. We peg her BAC at .12, since that's the
level Mel Gibson blew when he loosed his own
(3) 8:00pm-10:25pm (BAC = .08)
"We wonder if the fridge was tapped out by now,
since teh deb attempts some conciliatory words
I don't believe they're all evil conspirators
attempts. Then again, she lies that Teh Squeak
is lying, and takes a (typical) turn into pedophilia
and coprophilia: 'Change [teh boys'] diapers after
you give them a spanking,' she remarks. The
then makes a couple
of juvenile 'SuperGerbil'
posts. This shows compromised judgment, but
teh paranoia has diminished; her psyche then
manifests its trademark See-what-you-made-me
(4) 11:00pm (BAC=.08)
"She almost passes out at this point, offering
another infantile, syrupy poem, then feints
off to bed."
(5) 11:30pm-1:15am (BAC = .12)
"Oops! She must have found that 40-ounce
she left under the pillow! Debbie returns,
with anti-semitism and bat-frisch
Her second ETOH-wind lasts for another
"We hope that this timeline has been instructive,"
the Surgeon General concluded. "My two cents
of advice to Miss Debbie would be, simply, to
lay offa that Schlitz!"