Teh Daily Squeak

Teh Daily Squeak

Random Flinging At CL-Eugene Begs Query:
"Who Is Teh CL Bomber?"

YouJean, OR (Jan 30)--Teh so-called "Blog Brawl"
takes many forms. Sometimes, it involves big-gun
"25 Franklin per hour" lawbaws. Sometimes, it's
amusing little snarks like teh 5Acorn Ranch blogue,
posted by a gerbil with teh "nom de guerre," Debbie
Does You, Jean. Or the consistent acorn-slinging by
gerbils at Piface (a soqueblogue Miss Debbie seems
to have built, but forgotten teh password...heh).

But now, some low-level snarking is unfolding on
Eugene's Rant n' Rave site. Teh latest attack on
Gerbil Nation includes this bit of doggerel:

Oh my, oh my don't you know
they're famous bloggers on the go.
Blogs of baby talk babble many do think,
and obviously those diapers do badly stink.
So bad are the smells - the room next door,
poor gerbils in a cage have hit teh floor.
Babies bullies you know can be so unkind,
they'll beat a dead horse they are so blind.
A.D.D. you say? Doubt that's what it be,
just a bunch of baby bullies swimming in pee.

Teh question around teh cage seems to be:
Is it U No Who?

"Well," speculated one gerbil, "the poetry's
almost bad enough to be hers. Though...the
coherent train of thought in includes leaves
me unsure--debbie usually isn't capable of
that.

In other news, a cursory search of livejournal.com
yielded this find: a "Cliff Notes"-like summary of
all of Miss Debbie's "crimes & misdemeanors."
The author claims to be a gerbil, writing under
the nom de plume, "Gerbil 4. Justice."

Email inquiries of teh anonymous gerbil's aims
remained unanswered at deadline.

Teh Daily Squeak

Sin to Deb:
DORP DEAD!
Debbie Still Delusional, Sez Prez

Teh Capitol, GN (Jan 26)--In a sustained retort,
released today, El Presidente Sinner loosed the
most extensive fisking of teh deb™ in several
months.

The astonishing document focused on several
themes. Inter alia, El Prez

--> Denied that TSW has a formal alliance with Protein Wisdom.

--> Rejected allegations that TSW only exists to harass teh deb.

--> Laughed off claims that TSW profits from squishing deb.

El Presidente also spelled out the reasons TSW has
refrained from fisking teh deb's more recent delusions.
"A careful observer will notice that I missed a few...
debunking opportunities in the past week or so," he
explained. "...In retrospect, I should have responded,
but I am so sick to death of writing about Miss Debbie
that I let my sloth get in the way of setting the record
straight.

"We were laughing our Gerbil-[derriere]s off," giggled a
State Department source, who was laughing too hard to
share his name.

Asked if he had a personal message for teh deb™,
the source chortled. "You bet! I'd say, 'Hey, deb! It
ain't your ears that are ringing--it's your Clue Phone!
I suggest you pick it up."

Teh Daily Squeak

Adm. Bilge Barges into Veep Race!

Teh Capitol, GN (Jan. 25)--
In a surprise
announcement,
Master Teller of Tales
Grand Admiral Bilgeman
announced his
intention to seek
the Vice-Presidency of
Gerbil Nation.

"When YOU elect me as YOUR Vice-President,
I pledge that I will work to increase Federal funding for teh smokin’ hottness cheese and beef-cake," he promised, "In fact, all government documents will be required to be printed on paper
watermarked with 'teh smokin’ hotness.'"

Asked for comment, Minister of Smokin' Hotness
Mariposa seemed pleased with the veep-wannabe's
proposal. "Well, just so long as I get some royalties
on all that paper....," she observed. "Just sayin'."

Adm. Bilgeman's announcement raised important
legal questions, however. "What the hell is that
guy smokin'?!" shouted Atty General Denny F.
Crane!. "We don't even have election laws in
Gerbil Nation yet!"

The lack of election laws, however, didn't take
any wind out of Adm. Bilgeman's sails. "We don't
have election laws?!" he exclaimed. "Well, when
I'm elected, the very first thing I'll do is put election
laws in place!"

Excerpts from Admiral Bilgeman's Speeches
to Gerbil Nation (Jan 25):

(Q) Do you have views on the War on Terror?

I certainly do! I think all forms of terror should be
banned, outlawed and taxed out of existence, unless
of course, it is the terror that we are inflicting in a
just and well-considered bipartisan way to prevent
others from inflicting terror on us. In those instances,
we should then apply terror like a squad of Marines
applies hammer blows to a tent-peg.
This means, of course, that we shall immediately
commence a neutron bomb strike on France.

(Q): How Will Nuking France Win the War?

I'm glad you asked that! You see, when the last of
the French people’s ashes have blown away, we
shall initiate resettlement initiatives for those folks
who presently live in oil-producing regions to move
and repopulate the Nation Formerly Known As France.
I think most right-thinking Arabs would MUCH prefer
a beachfront villa on the Cote-d-Azur than a walk0up
apartment in Sadr City. And with that kind of lifestyle
in fron of them, there wuld be no reason whatsoever f
or anyone to be a terrorist.

Now, once the oil regions have been emptied of their
former inhabitants, those territories will be administered,
under YOUR mandate to the the two communities that
have proven that they know what to do with desert
wastelands:

Jews and Mormons.

In no time at all, we’ll have a Bagdhad as cosmopolitian
as Tel Aviv and as safe and clean as Salt Lake City.

V.P. Bilge = Access for All

When I’m in the Well of the Senate, I want you to
know that I’m there for YOU. Do you want to know how
much time Chris Dodd and John Warner spend on their
hair in the morning? Just call. Curious as to what Barbara
Mikulski looks like in a swimsuit? I’ll post the jpg’s.
Want to smell Ted kennedy’s “morning breath” after
a bender? You’ll be my VIP guest to come have a sniff.
Would you like to take a sh-t in John Kerry’s desk drawer?
Two Words: “Master Key”--I’ll have one…which means
YOU’LL have one!

I’m YOUR tool.

Teh Daily Squeak

Anyone who doesn't know teh Wheel
is a 24/7 Comedy of Errors
...just ain't payin attention

Academy Announces 2007 'Net Histrionix Awards

Jollysqueak, CA (Jan 25)--In a first for teh Gerbil
Academy, teh deb swept all but one of teh nominations
for this year's 'Net Histrionix Awards.

"It was a blowout," declared Phil Ming-Yoo, director
of the academy. "I swear, that deb must have 'drama
queen' tattooed on her...arm. I've never seen anyone
shovel so much...stuff online before."

Teh deb's highest nomination--for Best Pawthetic
Actress--was a result of her recent solipsistic rantings
at Discover Eugene. "It takes a lot of talent to look
so clueless," said Ming-Yoo. "Then again, maybe
teh deb just is clueless."

Even the nomination deb failed to clinch--Best
Song Parody--was, nonetheless, a song about
teh You, Jean fugitive: Lawbaws, Young-uns,
and No-Money, by Warning Zhedeb.

So without further ado, here are teh deb's
collected nominations:

Best Bluff: "I'm gonna cawl teh FBI!"
Best Cluelessness: "JG's gonna give up this brawl!"
Best Irony: "They made me drag their kids into this!"
Best Ignorance: "That's actionable!"
Best Whistling Thru teh Graveyard: "I'm winning!"
Best Spitting in the Wind: "Teh judge is a sot!"
Best Spitting in the Wind-2: "Teh cops are Nazis!"


Lyrics to Lawbaws, Young-uns, and No-Money
By Warnin Zhedeb

Well, I blogged away on vodka--
The way I always do.
How was I to know
Jeff had a mean ally or two?

I was blogging in ole You, Jean;
I blogued a little dis.
Send lawbaws, gin, and money--
I need to forget this.

I'm the innocent bystander;
Don't matter what they say.
Once Steve Colbert gets my number,
Then my enemies will pay
My enemies will pay
My enemies will pay

Now I'm hiding with my bottle;
it sux to cross Teh Man.
Send lawbaws, gin, and money--
I see the green can man!

Send lawbaws, gin, and money...,
etc.

SPECIAL EDITION!

JG VISITS GERBIL NATION!!
Protocol Snafu Causes Confusion

Capiol Wheel, GN (Jan 22)--The unexpected visit came
at 6:44pm Gerbil Standard Time.

"If anyone here can provide me with the contact info
for the Judge that presided over Frisch’s Oregon stalking
case, please do."

At first, Gerbils were stunned into silence--so much so
that Mr. G. assumed the worst. "Is this thing on?" he
asked, "Well, I guess this puts paid to the idea that you
people are somehow my 'associates.'...it's like I don't
even exist."

Evenutally, though, Minister of Propaganda Fatwa
fielded Mr. G's request.

"Tarnation!," exclaimed Min, Fatwa. "It's like Murphy's
Law. Ideally, we'd want El Presedente Sinner on paw
to shake Mr. G's hand."

Another Minister was more critical, at first: "Wow...I
hope he still isn't P.O.'ed at us. Gosh...you'd think we'd
have some kinda protocol for a JG visit! Like red
carpets and a 21-Wheel Salute?! Hey, wait--we have
a Minister of Protocol, don't we?! This is all her fault! "

Other Gerbils quickly rushed to defend the beleaguered
Protocol Minister, though. "Who knew he was gonna
drop by unannounced?," one anonymous minister
rhetorically queried. "But we got it sorted-out in
typically comedic (yet effective) gerbil fashion."

Other Gerbils pointed out that Mr. G, being "cool,"
accepted the explanations for the Protocol Snafu.

"Besides," remarked one Squeak House gerbil,
"If people don't understand that TSW is a squeakin'
24/7 comedy of errors, then they haven't been
keeping up with the progrom."