Teh Daily Squeak

'Whizardlane' Sets Gerbil Speed Record!

Whichaway, KS (Feb 28)--Something of a record
was set in Gerbil Nation today, according to officials
at She Did Whatt? magazine.

"I can’t believe this!" exclaimed well-known Gerbil
Blizzardlane shortly before 3:00pm GST. "I’m
posting from the Accela! Faster than a speeding
Gerbil!"

Statistics show that Blizz 'Whizzer' Lane would
easily have broken teh 100mph speed-barrier,
while posting.

If verified, Ms. Lane's feat would surpass teh
previous record of 93mph, set by the late Evel
Keniver. On Dec 3, 2006, Keniver posted to
TSW from his orange 1969 Hemi Charger, which
remains on display outside of Rock Canyon, OR:


Keniver's Charger, RIP

Sekrit Report Explains GN Outage!

Teh Capitol, GN (Feb 27)--Insiders have released a
shocking account of teh real reason behind TSW.com's
outage, which was repaired late this morning.

Contents of teh hush-hush report were leaked to Teh
Squeak earlier today, and we are delighted to reprint
them here:



On teh other hand, maybe you should just go here.

GN Weathers Bad Weather
Lights Low, but Spirits High, in Sheltehr




GN Fallout Shelter (Feb 26)--At 5:15 GST,
Gerbil Nation was plunged into an unprecedented
power outage. Teh source of teh outage is a
possible TOS Event, Pres. Sinner later revealed.

Gerbils have taken the blackout in stride. "It
just shows that Gerbil Nation isn't merely a
website," said one from teh depths of teh
Fallout Shelter; "We're a state of mind. Set us
up anywhere and we'll flourish!"

"Ya know, I was thinking," said Gerbil Dipsy.
"Teh deb gets shut down and the only beings left
to chat with are the Schlitz-fueled voices in her
head.We get shut down and look what happens.
We're camping out!"

JoeShmoe joyously latched onto teh trope: "Ha!
Let's turn out all the lights, make a blanket tent,
and light up the inside with dueling flashlights.
Hee hee!"


President Sinner Working to Fix Teh Problem

Brenda's Dryer!
Malevolent Maytag Mars Manners

Gorgetown, GN (Feb 25)--"It sucks," fretted
Gerbil meteorologist Win D. Fur. "No, really:
Brenda's Dryer sucks up everything that ain't
nailed down. It's disconcerting."

As savvy Gerbils know, Brenda's Dryer has
become Gerbil Nation's El Nino--implicated,
most prominently, for hoovering up etiquette
and manners. "It's now part of the holy Trinity
of blame," noted a GN blogger at furryworrier.com.
"We used to just blame Rabbit. Then we blamed
Rabbit...though it was Bilge's idea. We're coming
to teh point where we blame Rabbit for Bilge's
idea...which was disgorged by Brenda's Dryer."

Asked to explain the Brenda Dryer phenomenon,
Dr. Fur attempted an astronomical analogy:
"Like an omnivorous black hole, Brenda's Dryer
has snowballed in mass by drawing all sorts of
crud into its orbit: socks, gerbil manners, Cheney's
approval rating," he explained. "In fact, only one
celestial body even begins to rival B.D.'s appetite:
Denny Crane!"

Could Bren's Dryer present a military threat to
GN? A Pentagon squeaksman, Art Hillary, hinted
at teh possibility. "We have some intel that Boo
Kitty is threatening to harness Teh Dryer's suction
to upend Gerbil weather-patterns," he remarked.
"But we can't be certain of that--after all, Boo
Kitty is a LIER."

PWN3D!!!
GERBIL NATION REVELS IN RUSING DEBBIE

Teh Capitol, GN (Feb 23)--Now it can be told. Gerbil
Nation completely pwned debbie yesterday into
believing that: 1) debbie had discovered Pres. Sinner's
workplace, and 2) that debbie had succeeded in shutting
down TSW, as a result of her--snort!--sleuthing talents.

Details here .

Teh Daily Squeak

Is Deb About to Become Jail-Bait?

Teh Capitol, GN (Feb 21)--In a shockingly
audacious post, Miss Debbie revealed that
Lane County, OR authorities are now aware
of her Denver arrest warrant. Which means
that Debbie's arrest may simply be a matter
of time.

In a Jan. 16th letter to Lane County authorities,
JG's attorney apprised these authorities of
the warrant and requested she face arrest
in Oregon. "we got a warrant out for her
arrest on account of she’s being held in contempt
of court...here in Denver!" reads teh deb's
reconstruction of teh letter. "[So] we was
wondering if you might could lock her up for
us?"

"Four words," remarked a representative
of teh Gerbil Nation Justice Department,
when asked for a comment. "She. Is.
So. Doomed."

Despite debbie's imminent concrete fate,
she nonetheless larded her post with the
selfsame remarks which landed her in
contempt of court last December. "(thankfully!)
retired Colorado Supreme Court Justice Anthony
Vollack [is] a dingbat," she ranted. "Judge Robert
...Crew [is] an a-hole...and a moron," she raved.

"It will be amusing to see what names she'll
call her suitemates at La Casa Incarcerata,"
quipped Solicitor Gen. Truman Fisk. "We're
taking bets over how many of her teeth will
be knocked out before she learns how to
STFU™. Earth to deb: Teh prison
learning curve is a literal jawbreaker!"

Deb headed her post with a promise to
provide readers with "LIVE UPDATES" of
her so-called negotiations "as they OCCUR
IN REALTIME!!!!"

Gerbils couldn't help but wonder whether
one of these "LIVE UPDATES" might end
up including her arrest and imprisonment.

Big-hearted Gerbils also took up a collection
--to equip Lane County prison-cells with
24/7 webcams.

Teh Daily Squeak

"Debbie, You're Fired!"
Lawbaw sought to ditch deb in
September, papers show...









Gerbil Nation (Feb 15)--Deb's own attorney
sought to withdraw his services several months
ago, according to papers posted online by teh
deb™ this afternoon.

In addition to a bill to debbie (for $1,618.50),
deb's postings also included a "Motion to
Withdraw as Counsel" composed by teh Cody
law firm, as well as a document reflecting
receipt of teh motion (by JG's attorney) on
8 September.

(It's unclear whether teh motion is yet in
force, since other accounts show debbie
having legal representation as recently
as a Dec. 6th hearing, in which debbie
was slapped with an arrest warrant.)

In addition to teh legal papers, debbie also
included a comment on her blogue. Sock-
puppeting as "Perry Mason," teh deb™
exposed her barren legal knowledge (as
usual). "I would have...ask[ed JG's attorney]
why: [a.] his client was willing to lie to the police
by claiming he was in imminent danger; [b.]
why Mr. Lewis was willing to assist his client
in putting in a fraudulent request for a TRO to
the Denver County Courthouse."

Deb's legal pipe-dream envisioned JG's
attorney prostrate (and his prostate):
"[W]hen [JG's attorney] was speechless and
started fondling his silk faux-phallus nervously,"
she wrote, "[I would then] ask the dim-witted
patent lawyer to drop his fraudulent, frivolous
harassment of my client immediately."

Teh Squeak attempted to contact GN Atty
General, Denny F. Crane!, to comment on
the legal nuances of teh deb's jurisprudence.
But reps of Mr. Crane!'s office revealed that
he'd been taken to Mass Gerbil Hospital by
ambulance.

"They're re-attaching teh ass he laughed
off," said an aide.

Teh Daily Squeak

TEH-TV Announces New Lineup

Hollysqueak, CA (Feb 13)--Ripped from teh
headlines, TEH-TV today announced its new
lineup of television shows:

8:00PM--Teh Fugitive: A Denver judge hires
a P.I. to track down an elusive, one-lobed,
former adjunct teacher on a contempt of court
arrest warrant [Action]

8:30PM-- KOPZ! YouJean police officers find
an inebriated deranged, derided former adjunct
teacher attempting to siphon suds from a Schlitz
delivery truck [Comedy]

9:00PM--Teh Rockhead Files: A deranged,
derided former adjunct teacher starts her vewy
own private investigation firm. This week: Having
recently learned the meaning of "google," Debbie
stalks and harasses the spouse of Harvard's new
president, in her never-ending research into Teh
"Jooish Conspiracy." [Melodrama]

10:00PM--LA-LA-LAnd Law: A deranged,
derided former adjunct teacher composes her
own her own legal briefs [Comedy]

Tonights shows are all sponsored by our favorite
Snack Cake™








Little Debbie--Teh world's first nutty
fruitcake!

Teh Daily Squeak

Gerbil MD Offers $.02 to "0.12 Debbie"

Gorgetown, GN (Feb 12)--Teh Surgeon General
delivered a national address tonight, in teh interest
of explaining some facts which Teh Debbie™
fails to comprehend.

"Debbie's noted that she switched from wine to
Schlitz," said Surgeon Gen. C. Laffin Coot. "This
may go a long way to explain her recent antics
on CL Eugene--she may fail to realize just how
blitzed she's getting on beer." Coot then displayed
a simple equation:






"As long as this simple fact eludes debbie," said
Coot, "then she'll continue spewing her batfrisch,
failing to realize how compromised her BAC is."

Coot then produced a correlation between teh
deb™'s postings, "from which we can
extrapolate her blood-alcohol content at the
time of posting":

(1) 10:00am-4:00pm (BAC = .05)
"We gather debbie cracked her first Schlitz upon
waking, since by ten, she posted some loopy
saccharine poetry. At this point, she's just buzzed,
not blitzed."

(2) 6:00pm-7:30pm (BAC = .12)
"Okay, now she's maintaining a good drunk, 'coz
that's when teh anti-semitic cray zee starts. She
lashes out, in paranoid fashion, at a fictional Gerbil
gang, alleging that most if not all members are
Jewish. We peg her BAC at .12, since that's the
level Mel Gibson blew when he loosed his own
anti-semitic rant."

(3) 8:00pm-10:25pm (BAC = .08)
"We wonder if the fridge was tapped out by now,
since teh deb attempts some conciliatory words.
I don't believe they're all evil conspirators, she
attempts. Then again, she lies that Teh Squeak
is lying, and takes a (typical) turn into pedophilia
and coprophilia: 'Change [teh boys'] diapers after
you give them a spanking,' she remarks. The
then makes a couple of juvenile 'SuperGerbil'
posts. This shows compromised judgment, but
teh paranoia has diminished; her psyche then
manifests its trademark See-what-you-made-me
do!-projection at 10:25pm."

(4) 11:00pm (BAC=.08)"She almost passes out at this point, offering
another infantile, syrupy poem, then feints
shuffling off to bed."

(5) 11:30pm-1:15am (BAC = .12)"Oops! She must have found that 40-ounce
she left under the pillow! Debbie returns,
with anti-semitism and bat-frisch for all.
Her second ETOH-wind lasts for another
two hours."

"We hope that this timeline has been instructive,"
the Surgeon General concluded. "My two cents
of advice to Miss Debbie would be, simply, to
lay offa that Schlitz!"

Teh Daily Squeak

Same Poo, Same Deb

Gerbil Nation (Feb 10)--On her website and Craigslist, Debbie
posted more attacks Saturday, her Schlitz-fueled railing
providing proof she's off the rails. As usual.

In addition to her (typical) attempts to rewrite history, teh deb
added some new news: Last week, she telephonically stalked
"the managing partner" of JG's attorney's law firm. She also
dictated a "deal" to JG's attorney, in a conversation teh deb™
recounted as follows:

PL: Hullo?
DF: Hi Paul. It’s Doctor Frisch from Oregon.
PL: [silence]
DF: I’m calling to see if Mr. Lane forwarded you the 25 page brief
I faxed him yesterday.
PL: It’s not 25 pages.
DF: Okay, fine. My question is this: What is your response to my
request to try to negotiate an end to our grievances stemming
from the fact that you have repeatedly filed fraudulent and frivolous
motions against me in an attempt to inflict emotional, financial,
professional and physical harm on me on the basis of my sex,
sexual orientation and political orientation?
PL: Do you mind if I tape this conversation? (I SWEAR on a stack
of korans this is true!)
DF: Actually Paul, I’d like to fax you the draft of an agreement.
PL: Okay.
DF: Thanks.

Gerbils couldn't help but "giggle" at teh deb's presumptuousness
and arrogance. "Stunning moronicity," quipped one. "Note the
use of the familiar form of address [for the lawyer]," observed
another, "while retaining the honorific for herself." This absurdity
flew in the face of certain obvious facts, teh gerbil then remarked:

Clue: he’s employed, you’re not.
Clue II: he’s respected, you’re not.
Clue III: he’s loved, you’re out of batteries.

Teh Daily Squeak


Teh Debolution Continues...







"Debbie, STFU, SVP™!" Sez Prez...

Teh Capitol, GN (Feb 9)--Probably emboldened
by her nightly Schlitz (and bumwine) cocktail(s!),
Miss Debbie posted yet another profane message
to CL Eugene--which inspired a chastening rebuttehl
by El Presidente Sinner this morning.

"You may think you are anonymous," Sin counseled, "but you
could not be more identifiable. I am someone that has taken
great pains to stay anonymous on the net, and yet I know
that a determined, competent person could track me down
in a few hours."

"The justice system," he added, "can and will tie you to these
postings in time."

In addition to Teh Debbie's attack on El Presidente, teh post
also singled out Vice Presidential candidate Bilgeman for
abuse. "You are nothing but an unnamed gerbil with a
cleaver nicki-name like Bilge...," slurred teh deb. "What
the phuck do you think you are?"

Gerbil politicos speculated that Gerbils, digging teh dig,
would elect Bilgeman unanimously. "It just goes to show
he's hard on teh deb™," remarked columnist Will
Gorge. "Wait, lemmee rephrase that...."

Teh Daily Squeak

DEBBIE HITS JG, SQUEAK ON CL!
Gerbils Strike Back

Teh Octagon (Feb 5)--Reacting to yesterday's
Squeak dispatch, Miss Debbie™ posted
several yelping messages to CL--one of which
quoted Teh Squeak as a source.

The Gerbil response was quick and awesome:
a mere half-hour later, CL was treated to Teh
Truth™ about Debbie. "Deb Frisch is NOT
a victim," read the rejoinder. "She has been
prosecuted for stalking and two counts of telephonic
harassment. She copped a plea to harassment and
is serving one year of probation in Lane County."

Teh CL rejoinder also posted links to several sources:
stories on teh deb™'s outstanding Denver arrest
warrant, as well as a PDF-file to her terms of probation,
handed down by a YouJean judge last Sept. 27.

Gerbil Nation reacted proudly to the counterstrike.
"He’s good," declared a certain pixie who requested
anonymity. "Let’s buy him a drink."

A follow-up CL-posting also revealed Gerbil Nation's
motivation for its presence in CL YouJean. "I have no
stake in this," wrote the gerbil. "I simply want
Frisch to stop posting under other names in her
campaign to look like a victim. I would also like to
see her stop harassing those she has been attacking
for the past eight months."

That, in 34 brief words, describes the desires of
every gerbil in Teh Nation--this editor included.

Today's Editorial....

Teh Daily Squeak

CL-Post War Ends With a Whimper

YouJean, OR (Feb 5)--Anti-gerbil posts to Craigslist
Eugene ceased abruptly this past weekend, further
evidencing that Deb Frisch was the sockpuppet behind
the profane and libelous posts, all along.

Anonymous gerbil sources say that a manager of the
CL list was contacted, and the manager agreed to block
Frisch's IP.

The quick ending to the CL kerfuffle thus suggests that
the CL bomber had "Made in Eugene" written all over it.

**EXCLUSIVE!**
**Must Credit the SQUEAK REPORT**

Slip of pen ID's CL Bomber!

Gerbil Nation (Feb 2)--The anonymous
poster who has posted libelous bile about
JG and Gerbil Nation may have unwittingly
unmasked herself!

That's right: herself!

Atty General Denny F. Crane pointed out a
crucial pronoun in a CL post from today:

We all say crap about local cops Jeff. You
fool. I despised my opponent’s lawyer, you
obsessed idiot. Get help Jeff...

Teh full post can be found here HERE.

Teh text of DFC!'s sleuthing, and subsequent
reaction, can be found HERE.

DEVELOPING...

Teh Daily Squeak

President: CL is Not on the Nice List...

Teh Capitol (Feb 2)--Describing it as a "sewer drain
of the [sic] innertubes," El Prez. Sinner blasted Eugene
Craigslist in a morning message to Gerbil Nation.

In response to an allegation that Gerbils were sniping
on teh List, Prez. Sin offered conclusive proof that anti-
Debbie Listers ("Listerines?") are certainly not GNers:
"I highly doubt that anyone associated with the Gerbil
Nation is posting anything there," he wrote. "If they
had, the wit and charm of the place would have skyrocketed,
which clearly has not happened."

A CL Listerine followed up teh allegation with a threat:
"I say it's time that we RnRers go over to tehsqueakywheel,
"and start taking over their boring ass site." To which
Prez. Sinner is said, by an anonymous informant, to have
replied: "Bring it on!"

Other Gerbils were more welcoming, though. Informed of
a possible imminent visit by CLers, Gerbil Californican
wheeled out a coffee cart. "Feel free to hang around," he
said. "I think I have enough coffee for everyone."

After hearing of Californican's largesse, military experts
were stunned. "Wars happen all teh time," said Gen.
H. Ole Fox, "but I've never heard of one being catered!"