Teh Daily Squeak

Teh Daily Squeak
"Out with teh cute--in with teh snark!"
--Denny F. Crane!

Free Kiva Movement Gains Traction


Compliments of: Mari Posa Grafix

Nedra City, NN (Sept 29)--Nedra is soft-spoken, but
she maintains strict boundaries: "I don't like that mean
fighting lady," she said. "I think the mean fighting lady
caused my crapal tunnel syndrome. People at the friendly
site, Teh Squeaky Wheel, have said that the mean lady's
abuse of me might be actionable. But I don't know what
that means yet."

Yet Nedra surely knows what "Free KIVA!" means, and
she's on board, according to a posting to her blog on Friday.
"The last time the lady went to jail that KIVA was left alone.
I do not know if that is true. If it is, it is bad."

"I do not live in Oregon and cannot go there in person to"
help," Nedra continued. "But I will write in my blogspot so
the many readers can come up with more ideas to help.
No dog should have to live with a jail going mean fighting
lady."

Ironically, one of the most militant members of the Free
Kiva! movement has a six-degrees-of-separation-link to
Ms. Nedra. "I'm gonna liberate Kiva if I gotta smash down
teh walls myself!" wailed Mew Kitty, a retired Navy
Commando.


Mew Kitty trains for Kiva-Liberation mission, in an
undisclosed location.

Yet Mr. Kitty grew testy when asked whether he had
any relation to the notorious Boo Kitty. "Yeah," said
Mew Kitty, "we're cousins. Boo Kitty's family has
always been the black cats of the family: Boo's
brother, Nip Cat Kitty, is a drug-dealer, and Boo's
sister, Yow Ling, has many arrests for disturbing the
peace.

Asked if she minded being in the same group with a
relative of Boo Kitty, Nedra graciously demurred.
"No. Boo Kitty might be a LIER--but Mew Kitty
is on FIER! I like him."


Defense Minister: "I'm OK"

Gerbil Nation (Sept 29)--In an open letter to members of
Gerbil Nation, Defense Minister Hosedragger announced
that he's in good spirits. "Everything is great," he said,
in an announcement to Gerbil Nation Thursday night.
"Life is really good here at the homestead. Just awaiting
further develpoments soon as are everyone else."

Gerbils responded to the Defense Minister's surprise visit
with cheers and squeaks. "He's the best kick-squeak
Minister in history!" swooned gerbil Ima Lurking. "You
gotta admire the mettle his armor is made of!"

The Defense Minister also let gerbils know that, while
he's silent, he's far from gone: "Yes," he mentioned, "I
have been lurking."

DEAL!!!

Miss Debbie settles criminal case; copy of
sentence available Friday!

Northwesterner was on the line with Lane County Court
at 4:39pm Gerbil Standard Time.

“Out of pretrial conference," she reported them saying.
"Mr. Duvall filed a trial report & it was sent out for a
settlement conference to Judge Cynthia Carlson. If you
want me to I can email up there and find out whether
it’s settled or not. Is that what you want me to do? Okay,
just a moment.”

Gerbil Nation hung upon Northwesterner's next report.
Five tense minutes later, the word came:

“Yes, it’s settled and it’s done. The case is resolved.”
Settled with Judge Cynthia Carlson on Wednesday. A
copy of the sentence order...will be available Friday, for
purchase or review."

NUKED!!!

Debbie's Rogue Soque Blogue is Ka-put!

The word went forth to Gerbil Nation at 5:16pm GST
(via Sinner), 5:17pm (via Minteh), and 5:18pm (via
Ersatz Sulla):

Miss Debbie's rogue soque blogue had "gone dark."

Gerbils rejoiced and speculated. "2:1 odds that she had
to delete it in the Judge’s office!" snickered Sinner.

**FLASH!**



Eugenix, OR (11:27am GST--Sept 27): Miss Debbie Frisch is on the
docket, according to Gerbil News sources! Here's a link to:

PDF File of the Lane County Court Docket

(See page 5 for teh funny™)

In a special to Teh Squeak, sooper-sekrit correspondent Mme.
Rabbit reports, in a live blog from teh Lane County Courthouse:

BooJoo teh wooden monkey and negra teh white seal are
slated to testfy as character witnesses for teh DEB-fendant.
In a surprise move, Kiva teh dog will be a prosecution witness.
Kiva will be placed with the S.P.C.A Canine Witness Protection
Division immediately after her testimony....(11:07am GST)

In an unprecedented action, teh ENTIRE Lane County Sheriff’s
Office and Eugene Police Department will testify that each officer
(and 4 that have retired) repeatedly ordered teh defendant to
STFU! (11:51am GST)

...as Miss Debbie answers to charges, her libelous,
threatening soque-blogue still online...

Teh Gerbil Wire (2:40pm GST, Sept 27)--As pointed out by an
interested party on Teh Gerbil Wire, Miss Debbie's posting on
an abusive blog--whose only purpose is to stalk and intimidate
a member of Gerbil Nation--is akin to "a fellow's appearing in
court, dead drunk, to answer a DUI charge..."

Members of Gerbil Nation recorded screen-caps of Miss Debbie's
abusive blog, at the exact moment she was in court, sources say.

...Squeak Force organizes bold assault to rescue Kiva,
Miss Debbie's dog-hostage (2:40pm GST)


The Free Kiva! Official Seal
(compliments: Mari Posa Graphix)

...Founder Sinner Slaps Down Latest Deb-Threats
(2:50pm GST) In what Sinner dubs his "last thoughts"
on Debbie's rantings on her latest soque-blog, Sinner laughed
in her face (so to speak).

Most notable was Sinner's response to Miss Debbie's threat
of civil legal action. "When I’m done yanking the sactohoser’s
chain," Debbie drooled, "I’ll get to you sinner...!"

To this, Sinner chortled: "I’m afraid that once you get done
with Hosedragger and all the people you have hurt in the
pursuit of Hosedragger, there will be nothing left. Jeff is gonna
take your house (including the part that your parents own)
and Hosedragger et. al. will divide up the leavings."

"The irony is," he added, "that if she would have just left us
alone at TSW, she would have (more likely than not) “gotten
away with it”. Her inability to STFU is the sole cause of this
flare up."

Gerbils quickly pointed out a syntax error in Sinner's last
thought: "Sir," remarked a shy gerbil, "it's STFU, s'il vous
plait...."

Ninja Literacy Project Announces Success (3:07pm
GST) In an amusing side-note, a prominent member of
Gerbil Nation announced the stunning success of Teh Ninja
Literacy Project. Unfortunately, though, Gerbil Security
Laws forbid us from describing what teh Project is, and
from praising those brave, industrious Grrbl Grrls who
carried out the raid.

Teh Daily Squeak

Gerbils Speculate on Fate of Miss Debbie;
Initiatives on Rogue Soque-Blogue Continue...

Gerbil Nation (Sept 27)--In a much-awaited event,
Miss Debbie faces charges of telephonic stalking in
a Lane County, OR, courtroom today.

The impending event led to a good amount of
speculation in Gerbil Nation--from gerbils hoping
for jail (everyone), to more staid predictions of a
wrist-slap (Sinner).

In other news, initiatives against Miss Debbie's
libelous, threatening Rogue Soque-Blogue continued.
Gerbils everywhere are pointing the site out to Blogspot's
Powers That Be, explaining why the site is a flagrant
violation of Blogger's Terms of Service.

If you haven't filed a complaint yet, open this page,
and select the "Report a TOS violation" option. Then fill
in the blanks.

Milestones: Bat-frischvahs and Frischenings...

Gerbil Nation (Sept 26)--Despite the depressed mood over
Miss Debbie's latest attack, two gerbils marked milestones
with respectfully dancing glee:

*Ottavarima became (to our knowledge) the first gerbil to
celebrate a bat frischvah, as a result of Miss Debbie's
poo-flinging at her site last weekend.

*Fatwa Arbuckle was given a "pet-name" by Miss Debbie:
"Fatwad." This led gerbils to scramble for nomenclature
to descrbie Fatwa's celebration. Since he wasn't poo'ed
at his personal blog, it wouldn't quite be a "bar frischvah."
Some gerbils provisionally settled on naming Fatwa's rite
of passage a "frischening" (rhymes with "christening").

"I'm gonna parley this thing into something big," announced
Fatwa, "like a new TV show. How does 'Fatwa and Foreskin'
sound?"

Teh Daily Squeak

Sinner + Hammer + Miss Debbie = Teh Funny™

Gerbil Nation (Sept 26)--A somber pall descended over Gerbil
Nation today, in response to the return of Miss Debbie's latest
libelous soque-blogue. Perhaps in an effort to raise spirits,
Founder Sinner addressed Miss Debbie in an open letter
at 4:29pm Gerbil Standard time. "HA!" he said,

"I am LAUGHING at the “superior intellect”! In fact HA-
Friken-HA. [A particular post at teh soque-blogue] might be
the perfect post. It is the stupidest thing I have ever seen on
the Internet. Trust me, I have seen a whole lot of stupid.

Founder Sinner then took Teh Debbie to task on a number of
her ravenous rants:

"I have been harassed on the internet and in my real life
(via harassment of local law enforcement, media and potential
employers) by a person who calls himself sinner," she lied.

"That’s Mr. Sinner, SIR!," he retorted. "...I have yet to call
your local law enforcement, I have had no contact with the
“media” and potential employers should be warned about
you. That was the mission of DHD, and sadly it seems that
is to be a major topic at TSW."

"His name might be david, he has a four year old daughter
and he lives in the Central Time Zone. This is his blog," ranted
she.

"Check, Check, and Check," corrected he. "That should narrow
it down to… oh… 100,000,000 people. If that is all you have
found out about me, you are truly pathetic."

Sinner then went on to taunt teh beast: "Here are some hints…
I have been blogging for over 4 years. My first blog was written
using my real name and even explains where the name “Sinner”
comes from and has a link to my current personal blog. Heck, I
just last night on a TSW thread came right out and said where
I am right now. Yet, you still can’t find me. Again, I laugh at the
superior intellect."

He’s the guy who started don’t hire dr. deborah frisch and who
runs teh squeaky wheel, the spawn of don’t hire, she then spewed.
To which Sinner chortled:

"Well, at least you got that much… I’m totally proud of you. Now,
try patting your head and rubbing your tummy! That should keep
you busy for DAYS."

The beast continued her rant: "Sinner is a truly pathetic sissified
pissant and a true stalker in the legal sense of the term."

Then Sinner drew the heavy artilary (a.k.a. teh facts): "You must
have a different law library than I do. Who posts on who’s blog?
Who writes nasty and untrue things about who? Who is trying to
find out who’s identity? Here is the answer key: You, You and YOU!"

The smackdown continues, but we must cut the article brief to
tend to the Editor's case of LIPL.

Editorial

For anyone who's followed the morning's events (since 'round
8:00AM PST), you'll 'get' what I'm saying.

The latest turn of events vis-a-vis You-Know-Who in You, Jean
has grown astonishingly unfunny. I find myself at a rare loss for
words.

Hopefully, something will pop up later today that will hit my funny
bone. In that case, Teh Squeak will post.

You-Know-Who has routinely threatened 'collateral damage.' But
things have really been 'taken up a notch' with this latest round--
and I don't mean that in any funny way whatsoever.

Here's the most optimistic interpretation I can think of for today's
events: All of the screen-capping, and keeping You, Jean's authorities
apprised bore fruit yesterday. Perhaps the DA there has let it be
known that s/he really has the goods on YKW. This would certainly
account for the vitriol, of late.

Here's hoping that tomorrow might bring us better news.

--Ed. Teh Daily Squeak

Teh Daily Squeak

Gerbils Plague Rogue Soque-Blogue!

Teh Squeakagon (Sept 25)--The alarm went out over TSW.com
and Teh Wheel Wire at 3:02pm Gerbil Standard Time: Miss
Debbie had concocted a Rogue Soqueblog and advertised its
existence on Craig's List.

Within minutes, a horde of gerbils had descended on the soqueblog
with devastating mockular attacks.

By 3:47pm--a mere forty-five minutes later--the soqueblog had
denuded itself of its objectionable content.

The news pulsed a tremendous thrill through Gerbil Nation, on
a day which had otherwise seemed anti-climatic.

"ROTFLAMO!!!" exclaimed one gerbil, when the destruction of
the soqueblog was announced, "Woohoo! Shock and Awe. Now
she knows what downtown Badhdad was like."

"It’s been mightily amusing watching her sites slowly dissapear,"
added another, "sinking beneath the waves and/or capsizing and
floating around derelict to be colonized by teh Mighty Gerbil Empire.
....Her schlock is disappearing as soon as it appears."

But while the site was gone, it wasn't forgotten. A fleet-fingered
gerbil--who we'll call Anony Mouse--had the presence of mind to
capture a Screen Shot of the libelous soqueblogue. Another gerbil
cracked the blog's HTML code. And, thanks to our Defense Minister's
newly-instituted Wheel Wire™, gerbils got to watch the step-by-
step destruction in real time.

The feat demonstrated the overwhelming technical expertise (and
teamwork) which the Rapid Squeak force had amassed in its short,
yet intense, existence. "This wasn't our first experience taking down
Deb-bile," announced one proud gerbil. "And it won't be our last.
But we're getting better and better with each encounter."

New Ministers Sworn In!
(Ole debbie's cursed out)




Teh Squeak House (Sept 24)--In a special Sunday
ceremony at Gerbil Chapel, a quartet of newly sealed
gerbils were inaugurated as Ministers of Gerbil Nation.

SBH received her long-coveted appointment as an
Ambassador to the Court of St. James. "I've gotta work
on my British accent, mate," the new Ambassador said.
"But I'm already bulking up on fish n' chips for the task."

Mariposa will fill a much-needed position as Minister of
Natural Resources. "I hope I can help preserve bandwidth,"
she said, "and it probably wouldn't hurt if we instituted an
avatar-recycling program. And there must be something
fuel-related we can do with all that poo which piles up during
hericanes. I'm thinking that, since deb-poo is WTF™-
fortified, then maybe we can start processing ethanol-type
fuel. We'll see."

As noted in Friday's Daily Squeak, Petrarchian Motif was
a ringer for the new Technology Minister. "We're gonna
have a lot of fun here, Joe n' me," he predicted. "We're
confident that the baud-rate enhancements we're perfecting
will translate to maximum pwnage for a certain WTF™
consumer in Eugenix, Oreygone. Teh-heh®."

Last, but not least, Fred the Genius was tapped to be the new
minister of (what else?) intehlligence. "I'm lovin' it!" he crowed.
"We already have a slogan to carve above the ministry doors:
'And ye shall know teh TEH, and teh TEH shall give ye teh
funneh.'"


Editehrial: Hurrah for Automock 2.2™!


Wheeling, WV (Sept 23)--In a surprise move, Founder
Sinner has instituted a new feature on Automock 2.2™:
the DebZone. In particular, the new Automock unit ensures
that some GN threads remain teh cray zee™-free.

In response to this announcement, we at Teh Squeak
put our paws together and squeaked, "Teh YAY™!"

Editehrial
Defense Ministry Announces Hot Line:
'Wheel Wire' Keeps Gerbils In Touch

The Pentacage (Sept 24)--Last Wednesday, Defense
Minister Hose Dragger announced the opening of
a new List-server: "The Gerbil Cage".

At first, Minster HD announced modest goals for the
List: "Not really sure what this can be used for," he said,
"except for e-mailing everyone all at once for anything."

Yet such an achievement is, in our humble opinion, a
great leap forward. At the very least, Min. HD's list
will be an indispensible resource in the event that, for
whatever reason, TSW.com falls off-line. The list also
has obvious use to help align Gerbil plans, and ensure
rapid--and secure--publication of any emergency news
of interest to GN.

For these reasons, and others, we applaud Min. Hose's
work to launch Teh Hot Line. Squeak!™

Bookies Announce Teh Odds for Monday

Las Gerbils, NV (Sept 24)--In anticipation of Miss
Debbie's appearance in court, Las Gerbils bookies are
posting odds for various contingencies...

Teh Daily Squeak

Debbie-Trois Meets Automock 2.1™!




Gerbil Nation (Sept 23)--Yesterday afternoon, gerbils
wondered whetehr the latest silence was an armistice
...or just the proverbial "calm before teh storm."

Gerbils received their answer at 8:49PM, Gerbil Standard
Time, Friday night. And then, again, beginning at 7:41AM,
Saturday.

"We're counting it as the same hericane," remarked NOAA
scientist Storms R. Kewl. "According to Gerdar, the storm
hit GN on Friday night, then looped out to a WTF™
reservoir, thus giving Debbie more momentum. This WTF™-
fortified 'cane is what we saw on Saturday morning."

"Damnedest thing I've ever seen," said Atty General Denny
F. Crane, in the rarest of quiet moments. "Teh Deb's got
court on Monday, and she's still at TSW begging for teh
punishment. It's like she thinks she's bulletproof."

As with all hericanes, Debbie-3 kicked up a host of foul
clouds. Still, Debbie-trois hit had a few positive notes, gerbils
argued. It surely gave Emergency Response team Pet
and Joe their first test--a veritable trial by batfrisch.
All gerbils agreed: they managed the crisis with cool,
gerbil confidence. A second virtue of Debbie-trois was
its allowing a (successful) test of Automock 2.1™.

Oh yeah: And it was teh funny™.

"I swear," said Founder Sinner, "we really wish Debbie
would get the point. She hasn't yet realized that, each
time hericanes spew their bile here, it just gives us the
chance to take Automock™ up a notch or three."

"We're still trying to discover the source of this latest
storm," said Kewl at NOAA. "One theory has it that
it was attracted by one of Defense Minister Hosedrag-
ger's Mockular Weapons' Tests. Another theory is
that Deb got riled up by the actions of some rabbit
or other.

"I call it the Cottontail Hypothesis," Kewl said.


Genetics Engie's Make Batfrisch Cat!

Atlanteh, GA (Sept. 23)--Scientists at the Center
for Teh Control (CTC) announced a frightening feat
of genetic engineering today: The World's First
Batfrisch Cat.

"It was a cinch," boasted Dr. Deb S. Vile. "Just
splice in a few debbie-genes with that of a common
felix domesticus, and stir. We call the hybrid,
batfrische annoyus--or just 'Teh Golem,' for short."


Teh Golem Climbs Walls, Spreads Batfrisch.

"I have to say I'm a bit worried, though," confessed
Vile. "Our tests show that absolutely nothing mollifies
this cat once she gets riled up! You name it, we've
tried it: demerol, seconal, thorazine....The dang cat
just keeps flying toward computers and banging the
keys."

"And, unlike the typical cat, this one won't go near
milk. It turns up its nose at anything nonalcoholic.
That really worries us," said Vile. "Golem's already
gone through a case of WTF™--and the weekend's
not even half-over!"

Teh Daily Squeak

Eerie Silence Descends Over GN

New Squeak City (Sept 22)--Reporters at Teh Squeak
found themselves perplexed as the news day ticked
away on Friday.

"Here's one!" a reporter squeaked chirpingly: "Gerbils
eagerly anticipate Grey's Anatomy season premiere!"

Managing editor Ben Squeakee drew a paw over his
long-whiskered face. "Ugh. Whoever thought a Deb-
free day could be so...boring!"

Across the newsroom, a hundred paws thrust into the
air.

Squeakee walked over to his old-fashioned ticker-tape
wires, a clattering behemoth which spits out Associated
Squeak Press (ASP) dispatches. "Lessee," he read hope-
fully. "Deb Looses Poo-by on Member of Sins-Blogburst."
He shook his head. "That's about as newsworthy as, 'Cats
chase mice!'"

"Assaults Continue on Yu-Jean-Pu-Tang." Squeakee
pondered, then queried a reporter, hopefully: "Did the
debils return fire?"

"No, sir," the reporter replied.

"Dang!" exclaimed Squeakee, smacking a desk. "Okay,"
he sighed, collecting himself. "I hear the gerbils are
cobbling together Deb's Prison Planner. I'll cover that
story myself. The rest of you gerbils--knock off early."

"Teh YAY!™" cheered the newsroom.

Eugene, Oregon Envoy Graces Gerbil Nation

Gerbil Nation (Sept. 22)--Shortly before 5:00PM
Gerbil Standard Time, a plane landed in the Afternoon
Thread carrying Ambassador Flag Free, a representative
of the indepdendent nation of Freedonia.

Free received a warm welcome from gerbils assembled
at today's Announcement thread. " I’m not Deb," said
the Ambassador, "but my drink is vodka. That’s okay,
right?" Gerbils immediately appreciated Amb. Free's
disarming sense of humor.

"The Ambassador will fit in nicely here," said SBH, who
employed soopersekrit diplomacy to make the Freedonian's
visit possible. Some gerbils even whispered that SBH's
coup may make her a candidate for this fall's Nobel Squeak
Prize.


El Prez Appoints Rapid Responders

Teh Squeak House (Sept. 22)--In response to Tuesday's
brief Mockular accident, Gerbil President Sinner
announced the appointment of a two-man emergency
tech response team: Joeschmo1of3 and Petrarchan
Motif.

"If there is some sort of admin problem with a post or a
comment," Sinner said, "these two...can make with the
typey-typey and make the problem go away."

While their position carries no salary, Joe and Pet were
issued brand new uniforms, which they immediately
donned for a cheering crowd.




TEH-TV™ is On The Air!

Squeakio City, CA (Sept 22)--Minister of Propaganda
Fatwa has announced the launch of a new television
network: TEH-TV. He announced the following first
day's programming line-up:


7:30 WHEEL OF SQUEAKS - (Game Show)
Host: Richard Pawson

8:00 THE GREEN CAN MAN - (Comedy)
Deb gets another visit; the seal and the monkey
find themselves in deep frisch.

8:30 DO IT NOW! - (Instructional) How to become
an internet verb; getting rid of your inhibitions. Is
mockery actionable. Host: Peau Beyton.

9:00 THE NEDRA Z. SHOW - (Comedy/Drama)
Some really awful stuff happens to several people.
But nothing bad happens to any dogs. Yay!

10:00 TEH-TV NIGHTLY PROPAGANDA -
(News/Snarcasm) Fatwa Arbuckle, MinTeh, co-anchors.

11:00 WORLD OF INFOMERCIALS! -
(Infomercial Marathon) Dirt-cheap late night programming,
because some folks will watch anything.

To Minister Fatwa, we say: teh-yay!™. "I’ve been
trying to acquire some better programming,"
he reports, "but I'm gonna need to start collecting a lot
more bottles and cans from dumpsters."


Daily Puzzle
Here is the solution to yesterday's Hangman™ Puzzle:

Teh Daily Squeak

Mockular Accident Jars Gerbils

Middlesqueak, PN (Sept 20)--Just like Three
Mile Island and Chernobyl, the accident happened
on the night shift.

As a result of gerbil error, two mockular avatars
were posted to the Early Evening Thread tonight.
The avatars were hotlinked from a site where
linking was forbidden. As a result, the avatars
--which apparently contained hidden 'Automock'
-like booby-traps--transformed themselves into
mockular weapons when posted at TSW. "Think
AutoMock by way of rotten.com," said Sulla,
describing the avatars which appeared. "Really
vile stuff."

"Kinda miss that delete button," the erring
gerbil said, noting his wish that he could have
vanished his own posts, once he'd realized his
mistake. "I wish we [still] had [it]."

The scare did have one merit, though: it showed
how rapidly the Gerbil Tech Boys could respond,
when confronted by attempts at mockular attack
on Gerbil Nation. Records show that the avatars
appeared on the site at 10:42pm Gerbil Standard
Time. The posts were deleted a scant six minutes
later.

While the mockular event turned out to be a case
of innocent gerbil-error, other witnesses to the
event revealed that they had feared the worst.
"I thought it was some of Deb’s buddies," said
Machinist. "I’m relieved it wasn’t." "I thought
we'd been hacked as well," added Def. Min. Hose-
dragger. "Talk about a blind panic."

Minister Sulla put the whole episode in perspective,
shortly after matters were sorted out. The erring
gerbil "acted quickly once [tehy] realized what had
happened, so we resolved it with few casualties."


'Why Not Bait 419ers?' Asks Atty Gen

Gerbil Nation (Sept 21)--Next Monday, a judge
in Lane County, Oregon, may finally succeed in
doing what the efforts of thousands of gerbils
has yet to achieve: Total annihilation of teh cray
zee.™

Gerbils, no doubt, would react to such news with
mixed emotions. On one hand, expect a phallanx
of corks to pop from bubbly-bottles across the
nation. But the next morning, as gerbils try to
wheel away their hangovers, they'll find them-
selves confronted with a looming question: "What's
next for Gerbil Nation?"

Perhaps Atty General Denny F. Crane has found
the answer.

In a thoroughly entertaining (i.e., teh funnee™)
lecture today, Crane shared his adventures in '419
Scambaiting'. This activity, chronicled by such
websites as 419eater.com, is almost as entertaining
as batfrisch-baiting. It relies on many of the talents
honed in the past two months of dueling with teh deb™.
It promises such rewards as 'trophies' and the
equivalent of Automock: for instance, 419 'Eaters'
pride themselves on convincing Nigerian scammers
--who are, ironically, more trusting than one might
think--to send pics of themselves holding signs
bearing outrageous names (of the "Ivana Tinkle"
variety).

"What's best about 419 Scambaiting," explained
frischoleum engineer D. Riller Here, "is that, while
we're quite sure that batfrisch is a commodity we'll
eventually deplete, 419-type frisch is a renewable
commodity. Like 'A Chorus Line', that stuff just
never ends. And, like a Twinkie®, it doesn't
get old, neither."

Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,
In one of last week's issues, I noticed you referred
to a group of gerbils as a "horde." Isn't that a tad
disrespectful? Sincerely, Word Worrier

[The Editor Responds: Worry not, Ms. Word. As
it happens, "horde" is the zoologically appropriate
term for a group of gerbils. See this source.

Also, by way of trivia, I have it on good authority
that GN police officers test for sobriety by having
gerbils recite this tongue-twister seven times fast:
"The horde hoarded hors d'oeuvres."

Merci for your concern, nonetehless.]

Teh Daily Squeak
Morning Edition

**Exclusive!**
Front Lines: Teh War Behind Teh Scenes

Deb-Be-Ginned Trail (Sept 20)--They're brave.
They fight in places most gerbils have never heard
of: Pi-Flung, Soque-Pwn, Yoo-Jean-Pu-Tang. And,
like the fabled Squeakinators of science-fiction, they
never stop. Ever. Until the enemy is pwned.

"Most gerbils wouldn't have the stomach to see what
goes down down here," barked Col. Bill Squeagore,
clad in his ™ cowboy cap and bandanna. "We're
operational in the hairiest of hairy Golem armpits. The
gerbils back home think they know what batfrisch is?!
STFU, svp! Spend a tour of duty out here, where you're
up to your belly in per diem batfrisch, and then try
whining about the so-called 'hardships of wartime' in
Gerbil Nation!"

While precise details of Squeaka Force ops are protected
under Gerbil Security directives, Col. Squeagore was able
to offer a rough guide. "What we do, first, is set up a soque
pup-tent, and try to draw enemy fire. If we get it, we call
in a pwn-strike, compliments of the Royal Pwn Force. If
there's silence, we just leave behind some message-mines
and move on."

The Squeaka Force's activities beg an obvious question:
are they legal? "I don't think so," said Pip Squeak of the
National Organization of Civil Liberties and Unconstitution-
ality (NO-CLU). "Tell me where in the Gerbil Constitution
it says anything about forward-basing the Squeak Force!"

To address this concern, a reporter for The Squeak called
the GN Justice Department. "Da**it, you guys never stop,
do you?!" shouted Denny F. Crane, recently nominated for
the post of Attorney General. "I could care less what some
limp-squeaks from the en-oh-see-ell-you think! But if you
must know, the Squeaka's legal cover is a special pawse of
the MA'AM Doctrine. MA'AM means 'maximally assured
absolute mockery,' right? Well, that's what the Squeaka
Force is doing: pointing and laughing."

Despite the legal debate, camaraderie and morale are high
among the Squeaka Force. "I tell you, these soldiers' valor
even surprises me, sometimes," said Col. Squeagore. "See
that little bunny over there? I was sure she'd wash out in
a few days, and hop along home. But then she sighted the
enemy at Pi-Flung, and raided the place, solo. Dang!"
Squeagore shook his head. "I say, her tail might be cotton,
but she has b*lls like church-bells. I put in for a medal for
that one."

Trends: 'When is your Bar Frischvah?'

New Shavens, CT (Sept 20)--When
Joe Schmoe found his personal blog had become the target of a debile-laced poo-by, his first response was annoyance. "You never think it'll happen to you," he squeaked, "until it does."

But then Joe had an idea: Why not turn lemons into lemonade (or, to borrow a frischism, turn bottle-deposits into WTF™), and host a party to celebrate his de facto induction into Gerbil Nation's Rapid Squeak Force? "After all, this was a trial by fire--so why shouldn't I get a little 'squeak cred' from surviving the ordeal?" he explained.

So Joe called past members of his graduating class at the Vacation Bible School, and pitched the idea. "They all loved it! Before I knew it, Trinity Church offered to host; the Reverend Squeaky Graham agreed to give a sermon--and the whole thing was catered by WTF™ Vodka! W00t!™"
Partygoers raved with glee over the party. "I'm so proud of Joe!" exclaimed Ms. Stella Pirate "He stood up to the worst that salty wench could sail, and stood up straight like a fine ship's mast! Arrrgh!"

Editorial: Do We Need Automock 3.0™?

Fort Squeak, NC (Sept. 20)--Members of the Rapid Squeak Force convened today to consider design and deployment of the next generation of mockular weapon, Automock 3.0. Suggestions ranged from simply adding an "Autoboot" to the weapon (Min. Defense Hosedragger), to a decryption device which transforms Debborhea™ into plain English (all the better "to understand her thought processes with," said Backhoe), to a device provisionally called "the EasterEgg 1.0 add-on to AutoMock 3.0" (by the Minister of Intelligence).



Yet Founder Sinner wondered whether any of these new bells and squeakers would even be necessary. "I don’t think 3.0 will be needed," he said. "Even 2.1 might never get fully tested. She is GONE. The laughter at her (as opposed to with her) has driven off the beast. She flails about looking for blog followers and fame and yet none comes." In which case, Sinner said, "I think we might as well close the books on Teh Frisch Files™."
Then he laughed.

Letters to the Editor

Help Us Help LIPL-Sufferers!

Re "LIPL Epidemic: Are You At Risk?" (Sept. 17th):

Perhaps TSW should start a charitable organization for
LIPL sufferers: the Save Your Ass Fund. Better yet,
I think it should be called the "[DEB] Help Us Help You
To Save Your Ass [/DEB]-Fund."

I realize the word "ass" could be deemed offensive,
but I think that liability is more than offset by the
catchy buzz-phrase with its emotional appeal.

'Course it'll still be an uphill battle to raise
consciousness so that we can encourage donations for
transplant research. But I've got some stellar PR ideas
I'm working on~~Fatwa Arbuckle, Squeakywheeled, CA

Shouldn't an Intelligence Minister Be Intelligent?!

I write out of concern for the security of Gerbil Nation.
My name is Mercredi Adams. Recently, I had the
pleasure of meeting GN's Intelligence Minister. But
my meeting with him was marred when he committed
the Gerbil Faux Paw of calling me, "Tuesday." I had
to remind him that my name, "Mercredi," is French
for Wednesday!

I have no idea what a GN Intellgence Minster actually
does, but his mistake put the fear of dawg in me. For
instance, suppose the good minister were decoding
soopersekrit Frisch War-Plans, and mis-translated
"Mercredi" as "Tuesday"? All of the Squeak Force
would mobilize a day early for nothing--and then
we'd be left completely defenseless when the attack
took place the next day! Fire the slob!~~Mercredi
Adams

[The Editor Responds: Not to worry, Ma'am. I have
it on good authority that the Minister of Intelligence
is in charge of absolutely nothing of strategic interest.
Merci for your concern, though.]

Teh Daily Squeak™
"They Just Call it Teh Squeak"--Ray
Stevens

Are We Living in a MA'AM Age?
Gerbils Discuss Sinner's Conjecture

Squeakinco, VA (Sept. 19)--Tonight, Founder Sinner
posed a question which provoked great interest
among Gerbils: "Any chance AutoMock™ 2.0 actually
send der Frischinator packing?" he asked. "She hasn’t
been back, but has been active on other blogs."

Scholars at STF U., in S'il Vous Plait, Oreygone,
immediately convened to attend to the question.
"Clearly, yes," declared Gen. Uke Er, chair of the
Joint Squeaks of Staff. "Teh deb™ now realizes
that we live in an age of Maximally Assured Absolute
Mockery--a fact I call the MA'AM Doctrine™."

But other gerbils were less sure--especially after the
appearance of an all-too-familiar 'Stoodint' (sic).
Minister of Teh Tehreads, Sulla, speculated that
teh deb™ may have found countermeasures
for evading Automock 2.0&#153. In an exclusive
interview with Teh Squeak, Min. Sulla offered his
perspective.

"AutoMock is [censored]," he said. "She (finally)
evaded detection by [censored]...she lucked into a
workaround. Not that Automock CAN’T be adapted
to include [censored], [censored], or [censored]."

(Note: Previous paragraph has been vetted for
security by the Ministry of Intelligence, and
sensitive information redacted~Ed.)

Asked what [censored] could amount to, Min. Sulla
responded: "Hehehehe...."

The Daily Squeak
"What this Nation Needs is a Good
Five-Squeak Cigar"--Denny Crane!

Muppets Rally for Support
Million-Soque-March Airs Grievances






Sin City, GN (Sept. 18)--"What do we want?!" demanded
Ebil Labertia [photo at left].

"Respect!" echoed the Muppets.

"When do we want it?!"

"Now!!"

In a surprise move, almost a million members of the Soque
Muppet Anti-Intimidation Rally (SMAIR) descended on the
Nation's capitol to demand better benefits in Gerbil Nation.

"We helped found this country," said SMAIR spokesman
Ebil Labertia. "We were the ones who went on the dangerous
soque-muppet missions on the Deb-Be-Ginned Trail in
Poo-Flung. We took all the casualties! But would you know
it from our history books? No! All we get is a lousy three-
sentence footnote in the History Pages!"

"It's time for us soque-muppets to get the recognition
we deserve," Labertia demanded. "We answered the call
when Gerbil Nation needed us. And now, we just want
G.N. to answer the call for us."


Trends: Pirates Find Smooth Sailing in Gerbil
Nation


Pegleg, PA (Sept. 18)--"Yargh!" said Dred
Red BrendaK. "We come a'sailing here 'cause
we hear the seas are calm and the langauge
is salty!"

Immigration and Gerbilization Minister
C.M. Onin released figures showing a surprising influx in the
Pirate population Gerbil Nation. "They're an especially prominent
minority in GN's port-cities. They make their living by
manufacturing armaments (cannonballs, mostly), raising exotic
parrots, and enforcing private security on the high seas."

But can the Pirates assimilate to the culture of Gerbil Nation?
"Most of them don't speak a peep of Squeakish," complained
G. O'way. "They're always argh!uing with each other. And
their parrots? I haven't heard language that rough since
Deb-2. I say the pirates need to learn our ways at GN;
otherwise, they can all take a long walk off a short plank!"


Bye-Bye to Poo-Bys, Cops Hope

Wheeling, WV (Sept. 19)--Police reported a quiet night in
Gerbil Nation. "Only one or two Poo-Bys last night," said
Chief Don Ut. "I really hope we're at the end of them."

"We're improving our technology for dealinng with
Poo-Bys," said Cybercrimes head Gee K. Squeak. "Within
a few days, we'll be wheeling out the latest version of
Automock™. It's a dilly, I tell you!"

Squeak only had one worry about the latest Automock
unit: "We've seen an increase in LIPL cases since the last
version came out. I hope Mass Gerbil Hospital is ready
for another influx."

Teh Daily Squeak
"All the Frisch that's Fit to Squeak"™

September 18th, 2006--Evening Edition

Frischmas Comes Early to TSW

Gerbil Nation (Sept. 18)--By a 6-1 vote, resident Gerbils
voted to move Frischmas eve from Wednesday to today.

The vote, called by BrendaK, followed an observation by
Rabbit: "If her Thursday cycle has moved to Tuesday,"
she said, "then today is Frischmas Eve."

Californican, who cast the sole 'nay', explained his vote
thusly: "Its more like the day after a really bad drinking
binge..more like New Years Day...Only Deb forgot to make
any good resolutions."

Once the early Frischmas was declared, Gerbils wheeled
away the hours in a festive Poetry Slam. Dianna opened
the Slam on a high note:

I don’t care if Monday’s blue,
Tuesday’s black and Wednesday’s, too,
Thursday I don’t care about you,
It’s Frischmas, I’m in awe…

Saturday hesitates,Sunday always comes too late,
But Frisch-days don’t procrastinate;
It’s Frischmas, I’m in awe…

McGehee added an Irish spin to the slam with his
impromptu limerick:

There once was a blogroach named Deb
Who fancied herself a celeb
Her hysterionics
Were typed in Debonics
And she became quite a joke on teh web.

Not to be outdone in teh funnee™ department,
Rabbit threw down the gauntlet with her send-up of
"Rawhide":

Trollin’ trollin’ trollin’...Deb-gollem keeps on trollin’
She’s blowin’ and a’ goin’...Keeps that Deb-bile flowin’
Word Warrior keeps trollin’
Don’t try to understand her
Click delete,
block an’ ban her
Soon she will be trollin’ far an’ wide
Coyote’s calculatin’ Cold Bear will be waitin’
Be waitin’ for a piece of her hide

Log her in log her out
Ban her now an’ ag’in
Change her name, avatar
Ban her here and afar
Set her up, reel her in
Do it all once ag’in
Do it now, do it now, do it noooooooow!
DEBHIDE!

Gerbils present quickly squeeked, "Teh-haw!"™


Editorial: SBH Proposes Deb-Free Zones™

Gerbil Nation (Sept. 18)--In an intriguing proposal,
SBH queried about the possibility of zoning teh deb™
to specific threads, and keeping others Frisch-free.

"Sinner," SBH asked, "Can you...create an application wherein
she get’s directed to a specified Debspew thread when she comes
by? Kind of like a you want 12a, just along the corridor. This is
abuse not argument-redirect.

"Keep her in a cage where folks that like to engage her can go
to laugh," SBH continued, "...Then you can have some threads
where she can’t actually interact in the fun."

SBH flagged one worry about the ethics of the proposal, though:
"If it involves locking parts and having restricted access to anyone
in the world but her it would definitley ruin it. Might as well be
AW then."

Yet Minteh wondered if there really was an ethical equivalence.
[Full Disclosure: 'Minteh' is the guy writing this blurb!--Ed.]
"Ethically, it’s not the same as the whatt teh Abbeywebbers did.
We aren’t talking about banning Deb–just zoning her... It’s like
the idea of having smoking and non-smoking areas (well, back
when there were smoking areas :p). If there are days that peeps
don’t feel like dealing with Deb, it would be great if TSW could
accomodate that."

"We could even give the Daily Deb thread a name like teh Zoo
thread™ or sumthin’"


Be Prepared, Sez DHS...

Gerbil Nation (Sept. 18)--The Department of Homecage
Security released the following list of preparations for
teh next hericane:

(1) Stock shelter with 3 days’ worth of water, pellets,
shavings, et cetehra.

(2) Oil & Lube “Alt” and “PrintScreen” keys

(3) Put new “pwned!” avatar on rush order!

(4) Buy stock in SST (Sinner’s SoopersekritTransactions)

(5) Put Lane County Prosecutor on speed-dial

(6) Set up latrine over teh deb’s™ tip-jar

(7) Make sure home insurance covers debile damage

(8) For spiritual comfort, read Teh Tao deTeh Heh.™

(9) If evacuation is indicated, make reservationsfor
teh Night Train™ (hat tip: www.bumwine.com)

(10) Contribute generously to Hosedragger’s Evacuee
Honorarium (HEH™).


Science News
Deb-2: Is Global Frisching to Blame?

Sunday's hericane was rare in its level of unadulterated
batfrisch--a fact which didn't go unnoticed by frisch-
scholars.

"We have to admit," remarked debonomist Mari Posa,
"that these hericanes' intensity may be the result of global
frisching."

The Global Frisching Hypothesis™ has received an
increasing amount of public attention lately--thanks, in
part, to the runaway success of the recent movie, An
Inconvenient Frisch.

"We have to face the possibility that Gerbil Nationers
make a causal contribution to global frisching," Posa said
solemnly. "The process is easy to explain: Gerbil Nation's
industrialization consumes large numbers of hitcount-
resources. These hitcounts deplete the hitcounts of deb's
pawthetic site™. But if Tim's Conjecture is right, then
depleted hitcounts cause teh cray zee to skyrocket."

"In short," she concluded, "Gerbil hitcounts cause teh
cray zee--that's the Global Frisching Hypothesis."

When asked whether global frisching could be reversed,
Posa sighed. "I think it's a little late for that. Gerbil
Nationers are too addicted to their squeaky way of life:
bandwidth-guzzling avatars, no respect for the concept
of thread-conservation, et cetehra."

"We really need to look into alternative energy sources,"
Posa added. "Take gerbelectric power, for example: It's
a proven fact that a hundred gerbils on a hundred squeaky
wheels can generate enough electricity to power a small
city. So, why aren't we looking into this as a source of
energy? Because the Greedy Big Bandwidth companies
won't fund the research."

Many ordinary gerbils concur with Posa's critique of Big
Bandwidth. "I really wanna live in a gerbelectric-powered
house," said Nedra Seal, a patient at the Institute for Crapal
Tunnel Disorders. "I know that Boo Kitty said I like the
Big Bandwidth meanies. But Boo Kitty is a LIER."

Next Week in Science News: "El Nino, meet La Hombra!"


Police Report Handful of Poo-bys

(TEH-TV): Police on Monday night reported only mild
crime-activity in Gerbil Nation. "We've had a few poo-
flingers, but it's been pretty quiet today," said Sgt. Don
Ut. "The men in green cans will follow up, but we're
hoping that these were just isolated incidents."

Teh Daily Squeak™
"Squeaking Truth to Power since 2006!"

Gerbils Meet Deb-2 with Resolve, Courage

Gerbil Nation (Sept 17)-- "Tarnation!" cried Fatwa
Unbuckle, as he surveyed the damage. "What a
mess! Broken bottles, flooded cages, wood-shavings
all over the blessed place! It's gonna take us weeks
to clean this up!"

The category-4 Its-her!-icane, dubbed Deb-2 by
frisch-meteorologists, was the second storm to hit
Gerbil Nation in two days. Again, the Rapid Squeak
Force scurried about, their avatars loaded for bear.

Experts were divided over explaining the recent
vicious weather-patterns. "You again?!" shouted
Denny F. Crane, spokesman for NOAA, when
contacted by a Squeak-reporter. "Did I stutter teh
first time?! I already told you--hericanes obey a
simple rule: Glug! Hic! Teh cycle®! That's all
there is to it...or my name isn't Denny Crane!"

But some Frisch-scholars begged to differ. "Don't
get me wrong," said Mari Posa, professor of debonomics
at the University of Oreygone. "Denny's a swell guy,
but his Glug! Theory is a bit too simplistic for my tastes."

"You have to take a lot more factors into account," Posa
explained. "For instance, it's common knowledge that
the flapping of a liberal's gums in Vermont can cause
a batfrisch hericane in Oregon. We call it 'Teh Mariposa
Effect™" Capice?!"

While the hericane was, on the whole, a distasteful affair,
it also inspired moments of pure heroism. In a particularly
poignant scene, Defense Minister Hosedragger ascended
a pile of wood-shavings, and addressed his assembled
Squeak Force™.

When a few gerbils in back cried, "Squeak up! We can't
hear you!" the Defense Minister grabbed a nearby
bullhorn. "I can hear you!" he bellowed. "The Lane
County Prosecutor can hear you! And teh hericane
...that caused all of this batfrisch...is gonna hear from
all of us soon!"

The assembled gerbils gave Hosedragger a w00ting, hind-
leg standing ovation.

Sorbonne Opens New School for Deb-Studies

Paris (Sept 17)--The prestigious Sorbonne announced
yesterday the grand opening of a new school: the Sorbonne
teh Frische. "We call it STF U., for short," said Tweed E.
Squeake, chancellor of the new enterprise.

"In these harried times, gerbils began insisting on programs
in advanced Frische-studies. We hope STF U. can meet the
demand," said Squeake.

"We have programs tailored for all sorts of gerbils," Squeake
explained. "For busy gerbils, we offer a fast-track Master's
of More Foolery (Mo.Fo.) degree. More erudite gerbils,
though, can immerse themselves in a full 4-year program,
and receive, at the end of it, a Doctorate in Ergonomic
Phriche Understanding. We predict that the ePHu. D.
will become a must for every upwardly-mobile Gerbil
Nationer."

To illustrate the diversity of scholarship at STF U., Squeake
presented a list of disserations in progress in the ePHu. D
program:

• BrendaK, How Redheads Saved Gerbil Nation: A Revisionist Herstory
• S.P. Hawk, Avatar Aesthetics: Photoshopping for Fun & Cray Zee
• Mari Posa, How Butterflies Cause Batfrisch: Notes on the Mariposa Effect
• Wack Torrance, All Drink & No Work Make teh deb a Cray Zee Lay Dee
• Mme. Chell, Why Detente Failed: Deb Management for a New Century
• Hose Dragger, Gimmee a Hydrant and a Hose Long Enuff: A Plan to Drown Eugene

September 17th, 2006

Teh Daily Squeak
"All the frisch that's fit to squeak™"

Hericane Deb™ Slams TSW; TSW Slams Back

TSW.com (Sept 16)--"I tell you, it almost seemed biblical,"
reflected one witness to the storm. "One minute, we've got
blue skies, happy gerbils squeaking away in their wheels...
then--bam!--a cloudburst of bile!"

The surprise hericane caused an emergency mobilization of
the Rapid Squeak Force: a hitherto secret army trained in
such advanced psy-ops tactics as batfrisch baiting. "I'm
delighted with how we beat back that wench of a hericane,"
pronounced Defense Minister Hosedragger. "The Rapid
Squeak Force sure came through when we needed 'em.
I'm personally arranging for BrendaK to enhance the
gerbils' pellet rations, Naw'leans-style!"

Experts claimed they weren't surprised by the hericane.
"I hate you reporters--always with the dumb questions!"
shouted Denny F. Crane, spokesman for the National
Odebonic and Atmodebic Administration. "We've got
hericanes down to a...science! 'Glug. Hic! Teh cycle.'
It doesn't get any simpler than that! Only someone
swilling the WTF™ and stuck on debid would
get confused by that!"

"We've named the hericane 'Deb'," announced Professor
Storms R. Kewl, head of the Department of Frisch-
Meteorology at the University of Oreygone. "Actually,
all of our hericanes are named 'Deb', so we're calling this
one 'Deb-1'. Or maybe 'Deb-lost'. We're not sure yet."

In a reassuring bit of news, Mass Gerbil Hospital reported
that there was only one casuality. "The hericane, for all
of its bluster was really pretty pawthetic," said an MGH
spokesman. "Someone squeaked his derriere off, but it
was just a flesh wound."


LIPL Epidemic: Are you at Risk?

Reprinted from: Squeaker’s Digress

Nowadays, more and more Gerbils are visiting their
doctors for an embarrassing condition: Laughter-induced
posterior loss, also known by its acronym, LIPL (rhymes
with “Ripple™”).

Sufferers of LIPL report that their cries for help often
go ignored. “When I typed ‘LMAO!’, not one person
called an ambulance—they thought I was kidding,”
observed a TSWer who prefers to be identified by the
pseudonym, Pip Squeak. “People think LIPL is funny,
but it’s not: because when you lose your posterior, you
fall out of your chair. You can’t get back up. I told
the other gerbils that I was rolling on the floor—but
they just kept laughing at me."

What causes LIPL? Scientists are still stumped. “The
only thing all of my patients have in common,” said
Dr. Eyeno Phud, “is that they had just consumed a
strange dish called ‘batfrisch.’ The chemists are still
trying to figure out the elements of this odd
substance. The only element they’ve identified is
webhysterical-type fluoride—also known as WTF™.”

Asked whether LIPL might cause people to become
leery of gorging on batfrisch, Dr. Phud expressed
skepticism. “Connoisseurs of batfrisch say that the
dish is so delectable, that they’re willing to take a
little LIPL-risk.

“It’s similar to a patient I had in Oregon,” Dr. Phud
continued. “I told her to lay off the armadillo-meat,
but did she listen? Nope. Now she’s suffering from
a full-blown case of blithering-idiot debmentia.
I’d tell you more about her, but I don’t wanna risk
infecting you with LIPL.”


Another Excerpt from Teh Tao de Teh:

When people see things as beautiful, ugliness is created.
When people see things as good, evil is created.
When people see batfrisch, “STFU, s’il vous plait!”™ is created.

Batfrisch and Gerbils produce each other.
teh cray zee and teh funny complement each other.
Squeaks and silence define each other.
Frisch and sanity oppose each other.
WTF and teh cray zee follow each other.

Therefore the Master Sinner
can act without doing anything
and teach without saying a word.
Teh batfrisch cycle comes his way and he does not stop it
teh deb leaves and teh Master lets her go.
She has teh crayzee without possessing it
--in fact, it’s teh crayzee which possesses her.

She acts without any expectations.
When her cray zee is done, she accepts no blame
--That is why teh cycle&#174 will last forever.

Ancient Gerbil Text Unearthed!
Tao de Teh discovered by archy's

Eugenics, OR (Sept. 16)--In a major press conference,
gerbilologists at the University of Orygone announced
the discovery of what appears to be the oldest known
Gerbil Order text: Teh Tao de Teh.

"We couldn't believe it!" said Dr. Ima Phud. "Who'd
have thought such an old text could survive being
buried in a bottle? Then again, WTF™ has always
made pretty durable containers..."

Experts in squeakology immediately set to work
translating the documents, which were carved into
parchments resembling thin gerbil shavings. "It'll
be quite a chore," noted Prof. Gene Hayyoo. "We're
still only at a rudimentary stage in our ability to
translate ancient Squeakage. It's a bit like Morse
Code: dots and dashes correspond to long squeaks
and staccato-squeaks. The language also contains
grave- and accute-accents; we think that those
correspond to falling and rising squeaks, but we're
still testing that hypothesis."

Gerbil historian Owata Bore was hopeful that the
text would illuminate Gerbil history. "To be honest,"
he said, "we're pretty much in the dark about the
ancient Gerbils. We know, for instance, that Gerbil
recreation involved making fun of a race called Debils.
We know that ancient Gerbils were led by a guru named
Squeaker. But that's about it. I hope that the Tao de Teh
can tell us more, once it's translated."

The Gerbilologists celebrated their discovery with an
festive party, fueled by casks of 1937 vintage Syrah wine.
When asked about how academics could afford such a
pricey bash, Dean Ngo Ulich laughed. "I just told them
to send the bill to BrendaK," he said.

Excerpt from Teh Tao de Teh:

Teh ‘teh’ taht can be described is not teh eternal Teh.
Teh spell that must be broken is called teh frisch debbeh.

Teh deb is teh witch of Hell on Earth.
Teh squeak is teh mom of gleeful Mirth.

Freed from batfrisch, you can see teh hidden Teh.
By having batfrisch, you can only see tequila.

Yet tehquila and Teh emerge from the same source.
This source is called WTF™.

Batfrisch born from batfrisch be
teh beginning of all teh cray zee.

Commies Infiltrate TSW;
Investigation In Order, Otta sez

TSW.com (Sept 15)--In an ominous turn of events,
several members of TSW have manifested suspicious
communist leanings.

In a move suggested by Ottavarima, several members
of TSW.com participated in the Political Compass test
hosted by http://www.politicalcompass.org.

For most members, the results were as expected:
BrendaK was in Margaret Thatcher's neighborhood;
Fatwa is an extreme anti-authoritarian with slight
Milton Friedman-leanings. Tesla cheerfully "hit
smack dab on Pope Benedict." Paddy O'Furnijure
proclaimed his results as "comfortably in the libertarian
right." And, in a reassuring move, Otta announced: "I'm
not quite an anarchist yet."

And then there were the oddballs: Chell and Minteh,
it turned out, were Gandhi-leaning commies.

"It's gotta be some kind of mistake!" Minteh wailed.
"I don't even read teh New Yorker!"

As for Chell, many members suggested that her test-
results were welcome news--she'd be a lock for any
future position as Minister of Peacemaking, for instance.

In a related story, several foreign-language posts to
TSW have heightened suspicious that espionage is
afoot. Kentucky Joe's talent for Russqueak ruffled
a bit of fur. "Wait a minute," cautioned Otta, "a commie
minister of intel and now we’ve got kjoe and brenda
speaking the ruskie? teh daily squeak’s gonna have
a field day with this!"

You bet, Otta, you bet!

In other news…there sure was a lot of movin’ activity
yesterday. So, in the housewarming spirit, I respectfully
submit:

10 Things Overheard at Teh TSW Move-in:

(1) “Does this avatar make me look fat?”

(2) “Silly Tim~he keeps forgetting teh semi-colon after
'& #153!'”

(3) “Hey! Those are *my* wood-shavings!”

(4) “I heard that (Defense Minister) hosedragger wants to
electrify the cages.”

(5) “Cute gerbil pic, Sinner! Did they remember to sign teh
release form?”

(6) “Did anyone file a change-of-addressform? Our jackboots
are being Fed-Exed”

(7) “Does WTF™ come in cage-bottles?”

(8) “Y’know who *I* wanna see in one ofthese exercise wheels?
Jane effin’ Fonda!”

(9) “Denny, could you step outside? Your cigar is giving me a
headache.”

(10) “Raise the alert level! I just saw…Richard Gere!”


Last DHDers Tidy Cage, Wax Poetic

DHD.com (Sept 14)--While wiping tables, drying
glasses, and sweeping sawdust, Ottavarima teared
up over "teh nostalgia," then did her best to keep
a stiff upper lip: "Root beer anyone?"

The stragglers accepted Otta's offer--but made
sure to spike their beverage with something
stronger. Inevitably, the mood (and teh drinks)
shifted toward poetry: "May your glass be ever full,"
rhapsodized Paddy,

May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour
before the devil knows you're dead.
God bless you and keep you, good gerbils.

SBH added a refrain of his own:

Our ship lies at harbor, she's ready to dock
I hope she's safe landed without any shock
If ever we should meet again by land or by sea
I will always remember your kindness to me.

Then he signed off: "Goodnight Gerbils."

Kentucky Joe then offered up a song of his own:

Well, pain in my head, bugs in my bed,
pants so old that they shine.
Out on the street, I tell the people I meet
to buy me a little bottle of wine.

Witnesses to the final hours said the mixture
of poetry and potables bested a Kennedy
campaign. So is it any surprise that Sulla,
himself, would mark the close of the DHD
chapter with a bit of rejiggered Tennyson:

In short there's simply not a more congenial spot
for Frischmas poet corners
that the kids call
Deb.a.lot.

And on that note, this chronicler cannot help but
echo Sulla's Tennyson with a botched bit of my
own:

Come, my friends
'tis not too late to seek a newer cage.
Push off, and running well on that squeaky wheel,
the gerbil burrows; for my purpose holds
To wheel into the sunset, ‘til I teh.

September 14th, 2006

In Final Hours, Fatwa Left Behind

DHD.com (Sept 14) As DHD ticked out its final hours,
Fatwa gazed around at the emptiness about him. "I feel
like a man without acountry," he mourned. Due to a
computer snafu, Fatwa had become, against his wishes,
the Last Man to leave DHD.

"I wouldn't mind it so much," he said, "except my compatriots
took everything that wasn't nailed down. No desks, no
chairs,...not even a drop of WTF™ to be found!"

Nonetheless, Fatwa remained stoic. He'd found a hobby to pass
the time. "Thanks to a deck of cards someone left behind--one
with an extra joker, go figure--I've been playing a lot of solitaire."
And Fatwa's creativity remains intact: "I even invented a new
game: I call it batfrisch™."

Asked about the rules, Fatwa chucked. "batfrisch is where you
throw the cards in the air, and cry out, 'w00t! I win!'"

When asked about the prospects of a rescue mission to relocate
Fatwa to TSW, an anonymous source at the DHD Rescue Ministry
answered: "Rescue Ministry? What's that?"

Update: Fatwa received a valiant last-minute rescue,
compliments of Founder Sinners 'puter work. Huzzah!
His first words on arriving at TSW were, "Hey, what's
up all that dang squeaking?!"

HI L, I'M NOT F! :)

September 14th, 2006

DHDers Find New, er, Cage

Motivated by a desire to "get... away from Dr. Deb as the sole
focus of the site," Founder Sinner has created a sequel (squeel?)
meeing-site, Teh Squeaky Wheel (http://tehsqueakywheel.com)

This "will be a very healthy thing for everyone involved", writes
Sinner. And while noting that "[h]olding Dr. Frisch to account
will always have a place...," nonetheless, "expanding the topics
will allow us to grow."

Founder Sinner also noted that DHD.com, itself, will receive a
make-over: "I plan on radically re-editing the posts of the blogger
site into something the more accurately reflects the original purpose.
...most of the snarky humor and lighthearted fun," he predicted,
"will not survive" at DHD. As for TSW, " I really want this to
be more than Deb," he said. Toward that end, Founder Sinner's
new space includes sections for "Teh Geekery" and "Teh Silly."

VBSers who arrived at TSW seemed cheerful. "I think this will
be great," predicted a certain red-haired girl. A palm-tree avatared
arrivee seconded the glee: "neato! really big avatars!" "Teh Yay!,"
added a yankee of the southern-fried persuasion. "This is really nice!"

Only one worry, in fact, arose among the newly settled VBSers:
"Please," implored Otta, "let’s not forget the vodka at the other
cage . . ."